Mercy.

I just finished the book "Mercy' by Jodi Picoult. The character Jamie, says that in relationships it is always 70:30 , or 60:40. On person always loves the other more. His wife was terminally ill and could no longer take the pain so she asked him to smother her with a pillow. As he talked to his cousin's wife he said that he loved her so much he would have done anything she asked, even this. I realized then and there when I was reading this book , that with Lucien and I it had been a 60:40, i loved him more than he could ever know but I kept on pulling away because I knew that I was going to hurt him. I made myself seem as if I was the 40 because I loved him enough to let him go and find someone who he could be happy with. I believe that if you love someone enough you will not be selfish and do what is best for them. I could not be what he needed so i let him go. I could not continue to keep hurting him and seeing the pain in his eyes everytime i drew away. I convinced myself that what I was doing would work , and all needed to do was focus on school , and work and other things. Nobody understood why I did this to him , why I couldn't go forward. I myself I knew and I could not live with myself if I went forward with him and lived a lie.
Ihad dinner with him this past weekend , told him we should not be in a relationship that he deserved better. While I was telling him this he told me he did not want anyone else, my heart pounded and my hands clasped eachother as I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. I gave him a sad smile, and told him things had changed and that he and I did not want the same things. I looked down at my hand after that and played with the ring he had given me earlier. He got up to go to the bathroom and wrote down on napkin " The ring i've got , it's awesome. It reminds of you ,it's as if I have piece of you wherever I go. Thank you." I slipped it into the pocket of his jacket hanging on the chair and slipped out the door. I stood in the cold , rubbing my hands together thinking of what I should do next and where I would go from there.