My brothers just spent the last weekend with their friends and family before leaving. Everyone passed by hugged and talked excitedly. My brothers were saying goodbye and he sat across the room and just staring. I was overwhelmed with how much I was losing all at once and excused myself before anyone could see me cry.
I heard the door open and I turned around and he stood waiting against the wall, " I don't know what to do," I began. " I know," he said. He wrapped his arms around me and I held on because in all my life a hug had never been so fortifying or felt so good.


Pleasure turns to the pain
lessons learned from the strain
questions burned in my brain..
about whether love is humane
in its touch.
these thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream
in the tears of your deceit.
fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos
of our intertwined emotions.
chaotic because the anchor of Error's arrow has been plucked
from the vessel of my undying infatuation
separation not as simple as the distance between us
my mind no longer possessed by demons
that have been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
the seeds of these lies rooted so deeply
they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared
allowing the faith in us i had sealed inside
to gush out like a river
ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts
as violently and as brutally as if it were a child
being taken from its mothers arms
I'm left surrounded in darkness
but i refuse to be swallowed by it
my loneliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
it is cold comfortableness
yet if i could do it all over again
id do it in the same skin I'm in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie?
no, no..not i
id stay around and let love fly
even though i have seen its darkest form
deceit
nothing else could taste this warm
or feel this sweet...
(ATL)

this is my winter song to you.

A friend of the family was at the house today. When she saw me she shouted "Rachel! look at how you've grown." I smiled and thought how I heard the same comment everyday. She knocked on my door later and let herself in. She somehow saw herself as the bigger sister that Sasha failed to be. I did not see it that way, at all. Anyways I was sowing and I placed it down and asked her if something was wrong. "Nope," she replied. See I thought that would be the end of the conversation but she stood there so I sighed and said, "Why don't you come in?" She sat on the bed, and got comfortable and I looked out the window and waited for her to speak.

" SO.. I noticed everyone is downstairs and you have been up here all day."
inside my head: oh goodness, this is gonna take a while
"Oh, well I just like quiet time, that's all."
"Well, tell me about yourself. Do you have a boyfriend?"
mmh. no, i dumped him and he hates me and i'm alone, but that isn't what she wants to hear.
"I sure do! He's great."
"Well what about your friends, who do you hang out with from school?"
I hardly have any really. What does that say about me. Why am I by myself?
" I've got some, they're great. Maybe you'll meet them sometime."
"I'm so glad to hear it hon, I was worried about you for a second."
Oh no need to be worried Ms. K , I do the worrying all by myself, bottled up inside. God knows , I wish I knew how to handle it. But you wouldn't want to hear that either.
"Don't be silly, everything is great. I'm fine."

Yeah I'm fine. Just fine.


Yesterday we had to watch some war movie in history, and I couldn't handle it. Every bomb that went off, every mom that broke down when she heard her son was dead, made me think about my pain. And when I couldn't handle it anymore I left class, I ran to the bathroom and saw the tears in my eyes and noticed how i couldn't keep my hands from shaking. I bit my tongue and made myself stop. I looked myself in the mirror and made myself forget again. I went to back to class and studied for chemistry instead. My teacher asked if I was alright, and I smiled and told him I was fine. If anyone had looked in my eyes at the moment they would have realized that I was lying, and I was nowhere near fine.

Dippity Doooo, YAY. kitttttty!!!!!!

Went to Youth Group today at Hope Chapel. I met this girl Kitty, she made me laugh.. a lot. There was dinner- mac & cheeseee yum! Chill session where I met different people. The Yankee Swap was coll and I liked the feel of the atmosphere , there was energy bouncing from every person and people were genuine.

It was nice seeing people outside of school in a different setting, it made you see them in a different light. On the ride home, Kitty ,her brother and I and his friend raided the 'used to be honey farms' in sterling. I had too many energy drinks and discovered that Hershey's chocolate is the best thing since sliced bread. The boys are only freshman but their awesome, and Kitty reminds me of my eccentric older sister.

This was my exciting event of the week. For the rest of the week everything goes downhill, i have to volunteer at an arts and craft fair with children for 5 hours tomorrow. You spend so much time making something and a little child is going to destroy it in 5 seconds, it makes you feel like all your hard work is going to waste.

Anyways I have to start my history homework, jakubs is definitely gonna give a pop quiz tomorrow. Au revoir.

Being vulnerable isn't my thing. I'm .. I suppress things, I don't confront them. suffer from denial if you will. It's pathetic, I try to speak and open my mouth and nothing comes out. I can never talk about the important things. I LET IT OUT for the first time today in months and honestly I don't know what I have done without Alex and this club I just started going to at school. Both of them of have helped me in more ways than on and for that I am grateful.

you have opened my eyes
you have set my soul free
and for this i thank you

love you
appreciate you
and will never let you go

Snow Snow Snow

I have been going to Writing Club, it's been lovely and after three weeks , I finally read without stuttering or getting all red in the face ( not that anybody can see when I get red.)

I must say ,Mr. Farrell is quite the character, I would have loved him as a teacher.

PSAT's came in this week for everyone and mine are still being mailed over since I took them elsewhere but I am not as stressed for some reason. I am enjoying this year more than any other. I love my classes and.. the return of snow! On the bus, I was looking out the window and was reminded of this past winter and the excited feeling that comes with snow.

Last Year's Winter:

♥

Over.

Quite A Eventful Saturday:
1. Went to new york with mon pater and siblings
2. Went to my first concert with my cousins and some old friends I had not seen in years. We cauht up , danced , ate out. It was one of the highlights in my life
3. Had my cousins help me memorize all the ions for the chem quiz on monday
4. Broke up with my longtime boyfriend
5. Visited two universities, which I absolutely loved!
6. Got to play the piano with some amazing musicians and they showed me a different style and it was new and exciting! I went up there in front of the crowd and did improv with the band and my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking but , there is nothing like it . Especially when your done and the crowd goes crazy, I looked back at Mark and he shouted ' it gets better girl, hit me up the next time you're down here.'



It was a good day, it made me excited to graduate highschool and get out into the real world. So many of my friends from the summer program have status updates saying, ' I GOT INTO COLLEGE' and I think , yup, I still have a year to go. Sweet.

Temptation.

You see something(one). You want something(one);but ..it isn't yours to have. You know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyways. Aren't people entitled to be selfish once in a while?