this is my winter song to you.

A friend of the family was at the house today. When she saw me she shouted "Rachel! look at how you've grown." I smiled and thought how I heard the same comment everyday. She knocked on my door later and let herself in. She somehow saw herself as the bigger sister that Sasha failed to be. I did not see it that way, at all. Anyways I was sowing and I placed it down and asked her if something was wrong. "Nope," she replied. See I thought that would be the end of the conversation but she stood there so I sighed and said, "Why don't you come in?" She sat on the bed, and got comfortable and I looked out the window and waited for her to speak.

" SO.. I noticed everyone is downstairs and you have been up here all day."
inside my head: oh goodness, this is gonna take a while
"Oh, well I just like quiet time, that's all."
"Well, tell me about yourself. Do you have a boyfriend?"
mmh. no, i dumped him and he hates me and i'm alone, but that isn't what she wants to hear.
"I sure do! He's great."
"Well what about your friends, who do you hang out with from school?"
I hardly have any really. What does that say about me. Why am I by myself?
" I've got some, they're great. Maybe you'll meet them sometime."
"I'm so glad to hear it hon, I was worried about you for a second."
Oh no need to be worried Ms. K , I do the worrying all by myself, bottled up inside. God knows , I wish I knew how to handle it. But you wouldn't want to hear that either.
"Don't be silly, everything is great. I'm fine."

Yeah I'm fine. Just fine.


Yesterday we had to watch some war movie in history, and I couldn't handle it. Every bomb that went off, every mom that broke down when she heard her son was dead, made me think about my pain. And when I couldn't handle it anymore I left class, I ran to the bathroom and saw the tears in my eyes and noticed how i couldn't keep my hands from shaking. I bit my tongue and made myself stop. I looked myself in the mirror and made myself forget again. I went to back to class and studied for chemistry instead. My teacher asked if I was alright, and I smiled and told him I was fine. If anyone had looked in my eyes at the moment they would have realized that I was lying, and I was nowhere near fine.