Thunderstorms

It's raining out. The children, afraid of the thunder and are blasting the television in hopes of drowning out its sound. I on the other like to sit out on my front steps and have a moment of peace. I'm thinking back to my wish to be kissed in the rain, how special the moment would be, standing in the quiet having that perfect moment. I know wishes do not always come true , but sometimes I just wish they did. Sometimes I wish I could be with him, and at other times I am happy for my freedom.

Someone to Love.

I have been reading this book about time and love. This woman waits for husband since she was six because he travels in time throughout her life and sees he grow and comes to know her. She waits for him, never knowing when he will come or what state of mind he will be in when he comes , but she knows he will come. She has already been promised love, unlike so many of us.
Life could be so much easier if we knew what our future held and everyday, I pretend to be deep into my work , studying working, when secretly, I want someone to love. I want that so much that on some days if I smile enough, and laugh at the right jokes and pretend that the materialistic objects are the only things that matter, I almost trick myself into believing that I am just fine and that I do not have a problem in the world. Almost.

Overcoming Someday

Sometimes i miss how easy life used to be. There weren't boys then it was just be and my friends and family. Then when i came to this school i like a guy full out in the open for the first time. I was always in open relationships most of the time because i didn't want to get hurt. I know it's cowardly but I have seen my mom , my sister , my friends get hurt in relationships and i did not want that to happen to me. So i always ended up finding something wrong with the person or being afraid to like them because i worried about what people would say.

But my heart it was hurting because I put myself out there and i allowed myself to like someone without worrying. In those months I was so happy , every single day seeing him , i would just smile. He is one of the nicest people I know, and I had so many long talks with him that I can't even remember what they were about. He gave me that comfortable feeling like he would protect and i guess i needed that . But when came down to it, a relationship was not what he wanted, he loved our friendship and me but not in that way. I saw myself with him all the time so it has been two months now and I don't think I will ever get over it but i am moving on.

In the beginning i was angry , upset and then my heart would hurt everytime i saw him but now i realize if i want the pain to go, then i must let him go.

My friend told that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional and i am trying to turn my wounds into wisdom but it's hard seeing him everyday. I would be so much easier if he didn't want to be such close friends but someday it will get better. It has to.

A Story

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can't come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don't go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy's supplications
and a father's love add up to silence

-Li Young Lee

Missing the past

The other day there was a snow storm and i was home with my family. We sat around the house and my dad brought down the camcorder with the videos from when we were kids.
I saw videos of my brother, who's long gone now, and my family who has died or moved away. When we were young we laughed at the silliest things and complained to our parents. There was one point were none of us had front teeth it was horrible !:]
We didn't have such large responsibilities then but when i was watching myself on those tapes i realize i was exactly the same . I have grown physically but still my personality is has it always has been but life isn't and that's what i miss the most.

Footseps in the right Direction

In our church they talk about eternal damnation. Going to hell , if you don't live your life the way God tells us to. They don't do it to scare us they say , it is to make us realize that we need to live our life correctly. But all humans make mistakes, none of us are perfect .
In the end we will all sin, what happens to us then?

I've made some big changes in my life , my mother would say for the worse , i would say i don't know where I'm going .. at least not right now. I've a lost a best friend, one that i love very much. We used to like each other so much and then I messed things up. Everybody told me if he found out i had a boyfriend it would be the last string, no more going back. I don't know why i had a boyfriend, when I all needed was in front of me. Yet I'm always the one to break it off, because i don't want to be hurt.

You always see those movies, where they say love is about taking chances and well i thought maybe i'm too young to love. But there was one movie and she said .
" Maybe love doesn't choose us; maybe we choose it. It's always been there but when we make that choice to put our heart on the line, it's then we find happiness. "
Sometimes i wish it were that easy for me to let someone love me. I asked my godmother how she knew Cassidy was the one. She said " I knew he would never hurt me, not even if i hurt him. He would never hurt me back."

Go for it

Every morning i go out for a morning run up to the highest point on my street and watch the sunrise. It's automn now and around here it's one of the most beautiful seasons, these times are my only quiet ones. With a full family and thousands at a school; there is no peace.

So i began in the morning running longer distances and stay out longer and breathe in too much and it hurts , the wind makes my eyes water and my throat burns. But sometimes if i push hard enough i feel like i can escape it all.

Morning Glory

Waking from the brightness outside

stepping into the easy breeze

We look into the sky

and see God's morning glory.

Apologize

I'm holding on your rope,

Got me ten feet off the ground

And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me

Then you go and cut me down, but wait

You tell me that you're sorry

Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

that it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall

Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat

But it's nothing new , yeah

I loved you with the a fire red

Now it's turning blue, and you say...

I'm sorry for the angel

that heaven let me think was you

but I'm afraid...

Utopia

In class we are reading about different types of government, Utopian, communist, capitalist, etc. They all have their pro's and cons to me , what interests me though , is the idea of a Utopian government. Everything is perfect and the people are happy and every body is paid the same , but people still end up being unhappy.

In life people are never really satisfied, in the end we always find some way for something to turn out wrong. We can sometimes never really accept things for the way they are. Why? i have no idea.

Life

The World Today

In my honors history class we were to write a paper on what we thought of the world today. This is the last page of my paper:



Death may be around us a lot of the time but then there is joy in corners of ours hearts in many places. Some are happy to have a job to be alive, to be able to fulfill your dreams, have a child and hold your baby in your hands. To know that you have someone in your life who makes you happy and keeps you safe and will let you know everything will be okay is one of the greatest things. Having that knowledge of knowing that you love someone and they love you back. In these moments, once in a while life seems great and it’s what everyone wants but not what everyone gets and if they are lucky enough to receive that; then you are blessed with a most precious gift.
It’s a simple question of what I think of the world today. There is no peace no rest but every once in a while we find happiness. Sometimes god gives a miracle something to remember, things you thought impossible, possible. It gives you hope that everything isn’t so bad after all and that maybe this happen to the world for a reason, that we were cursed so we could be blessed.

Being Loved

Once we found that person who makes us happy , we don't have to feel so alone anymore. :]

School has made things better , i like the change a lot. I used to think that change was bad and that i wouldn't want to change anything in life and obviously i was wrong because .. i love it. :] The change of territory and variety of people being much closer to people than I ever imagined. People say i ahte school adn others say they love. It has its' ups and its' down just like life and i wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

Memories

I mss him and his laugh and the fact that im alone but school makes up for it, and my friends. I love school and the courses and all the homework, it takes my mind off of him. I can't sit and think or daydream or my thougths will stray to him and so i crowd my selfwith unimportant things. So i dont think of the biggest thing of all.

him at war.

Deja Vu

Years ago i had a dream where i was in my body in the future. A moment that i didn't understand in my room yet on a bed that wasn't mine and clutter there. At that moment in my dream i was on my bed and i knew my life would change. I knew something big was coming.

I was growing and making decisions in my life to start over and to be better that what i had been. To learn from my mistakes and allow peace into my life. I know what i have chosen is right, i only pray I'm strong enough to keep on going and not look back.