Mercy.

I just finished the book "Mercy' by Jodi Picoult. The character Jamie, says that in relationships it is always 70:30 , or 60:40. On person always loves the other more. His wife was terminally ill and could no longer take the pain so she asked him to smother her with a pillow. As he talked to his cousin's wife he said that he loved her so much he would have done anything she asked, even this. I realized then and there when I was reading this book , that with Lucien and I it had been a 60:40, i loved him more than he could ever know but I kept on pulling away because I knew that I was going to hurt him. I made myself seem as if I was the 40 because I loved him enough to let him go and find someone who he could be happy with. I believe that if you love someone enough you will not be selfish and do what is best for them. I could not be what he needed so i let him go. I could not continue to keep hurting him and seeing the pain in his eyes everytime i drew away. I convinced myself that what I was doing would work , and all needed to do was focus on school , and work and other things. Nobody understood why I did this to him , why I couldn't go forward. I myself I knew and I could not live with myself if I went forward with him and lived a lie.
Ihad dinner with him this past weekend , told him we should not be in a relationship that he deserved better. While I was telling him this he told me he did not want anyone else, my heart pounded and my hands clasped eachother as I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. I gave him a sad smile, and told him things had changed and that he and I did not want the same things. I looked down at my hand after that and played with the ring he had given me earlier. He got up to go to the bathroom and wrote down on napkin " The ring i've got , it's awesome. It reminds of you ,it's as if I have piece of you wherever I go. Thank you." I slipped it into the pocket of his jacket hanging on the chair and slipped out the door. I stood in the cold , rubbing my hands together thinking of what I should do next and where I would go from there.

truth.

I made some changes about myself over this summer. 3 months ago i was confused on who i was supposed to be and who everybody else wanted me to be and then on who I wanted to be. It confused me and i made mistakes that i should not have but in making those mistakes i have come to where i am today. So when i was asked today have you done anything in the past that ou wantedto take back, and if I regretted any of it. No , i don't i am forgiving myself for the things that i have done.
I have been afraid to trust , to put my heart on the line in so many different ways that it changed me to cold hearted person who could never express how I feel to the those who needed to hear it the most . So i reached that point in my life where I had to make that decison of who I wanted to be , I stepped forward and made a promise to myself and God that everything would be different. Yes, of course I was scared and yes i knew that it would be hard , but as i turned around i saw the eyes of those who would take care of me and be there if I never needed anything. It is then that i saw that I didn't need to do it all by myself. In realizing this I am changing and gaining knowledge and trying to rise above. As I came to the end of line I saw him there standing, watching, waiting and he simply stretched his hand forth, and as i fell into his arms i realized that he had been the one to always be there for me and I knew in that moment that no matter how much i hurt him he would never hurt me back. And as i whispered how scared how was he told me everything would work out.

So yes i have decided to take that chance and trust him and trust myself not to screw up this time. It is when we make this important changes in our lives that we realize who it is that really cares for us and yes maybe I will lose friends over it but me evolving is going to have such a better results then if I had kept on going in the direction I was headed. I cannot predict the future but i have a feeling that things are going to be better. Much better.

Thunderstorms

It's raining out. The children, afraid of the thunder and are blasting the television in hopes of drowning out its sound. I on the other like to sit out on my front steps and have a moment of peace. I'm thinking back to my wish to be kissed in the rain, how special the moment would be, standing in the quiet having that perfect moment. I know wishes do not always come true , but sometimes I just wish they did. Sometimes I wish I could be with him, and at other times I am happy for my freedom.

Someone to Love.

I have been reading this book about time and love. This woman waits for husband since she was six because he travels in time throughout her life and sees he grow and comes to know her. She waits for him, never knowing when he will come or what state of mind he will be in when he comes , but she knows he will come. She has already been promised love, unlike so many of us.
Life could be so much easier if we knew what our future held and everyday, I pretend to be deep into my work , studying working, when secretly, I want someone to love. I want that so much that on some days if I smile enough, and laugh at the right jokes and pretend that the materialistic objects are the only things that matter, I almost trick myself into believing that I am just fine and that I do not have a problem in the world. Almost.

Overcoming Someday

Sometimes i miss how easy life used to be. There weren't boys then it was just be and my friends and family. Then when i came to this school i like a guy full out in the open for the first time. I was always in open relationships most of the time because i didn't want to get hurt. I know it's cowardly but I have seen my mom , my sister , my friends get hurt in relationships and i did not want that to happen to me. So i always ended up finding something wrong with the person or being afraid to like them because i worried about what people would say.

But my heart it was hurting because I put myself out there and i allowed myself to like someone without worrying. In those months I was so happy , every single day seeing him , i would just smile. He is one of the nicest people I know, and I had so many long talks with him that I can't even remember what they were about. He gave me that comfortable feeling like he would protect and i guess i needed that . But when came down to it, a relationship was not what he wanted, he loved our friendship and me but not in that way. I saw myself with him all the time so it has been two months now and I don't think I will ever get over it but i am moving on.

In the beginning i was angry , upset and then my heart would hurt everytime i saw him but now i realize if i want the pain to go, then i must let him go.

My friend told that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional and i am trying to turn my wounds into wisdom but it's hard seeing him everyday. I would be so much easier if he didn't want to be such close friends but someday it will get better. It has to.

A Story

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can't come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don't go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy's supplications
and a father's love add up to silence

-Li Young Lee