gone gone gone

DC is amazing. I thought that since I was taking a college course it was going to be so hard, but the discussions that we have in class are so deep and everyone is open about . I am one of the few rising juniors here for the program but age does not even matter here. My professor looks like he walked out a Jane Austen book or Bronte, he fits the description of Mr Darcy but he is pleasant looking. I love him so much, he just adopted a baby from Russia and was not able to make it for the first class so he skyped in, for our first class. Technology today is truly ah-mazingg. What I am about to say makes me seem a bit dense but I hoped to meet some great looking guys down here, I did not, but they are ok.

So many of the people here are rising seniors and megan and I are able to keep up with them and talk on the same level, and recieve those top grades. They told us that we are going to be so smart when we are rising seniors if we can keep up right now and that definitely made us feel better. A girl from back home is at this program with me when we saw eachother we screamed because I felt that even though I did not know her that well, I wasn't alone.


I understand her better now though, our whole group is awesome. Nick from Singapore is a riot oh god he just, he is like the tourette's guy on YouTube but so much funnier. Roddie Lee from Tennessee is awesome and Maya from Indiana, Hannah from NC and Daniel from Chicago. Then their is Matt the polish boy who speaks french too and is from New Jersey. Sam and Charlie the Jew Boys as they call themselves knew each other growing up and they make everyone's day. Then there is Megan and me, we tell stories about our small town and how horrible it is. We both know that if we were back there now we could never have as much fun as we are having now. This, this program is the highlight of my highschool years, people from all over the country who want the same things and we are all moving at the same pace, together. When I go back to school i am going to feel as though I nothing changed, but then I will remember here, and the people I have met and the experiences that I've had and I'll smile just because.

Where do you feel as though you don't fit in?

I was sitting in class today taking notes and decided to flip to the front of the book. I began to read the journal entries that Mr. Balogh had us write daily and I liked these two the most.


Answer: I grew up in New York around people of the same race and cultural background as my own. When I moved here seven years ago, things changed. They spoke differently, wore different clothes and excelled in school. Where I came from, if you were smart, and got good grades, you were called a nerd. If you didn't have fun, or curse out the teacher, you acted "white." What I hated the most was that some expected me to 'act black.' To me that was degrading, they didn't know me or where I came from and to stereotype all black people by what you see over the media is pure ignorance. I did not find the need to prove to anybody who I was but, I never fit in perfectly into one of those circles; whether it was around the people I live around now, or those back home who looked at me like I was an outcast. Neither circles do I belong, so I hold my own and hope for things to change.

Thoughts

After reading Walden for 2 hours yesterday, I decided to take a break and picked Notting Hill to watch. Towards the end of the film Julia Roberts walks in to the travel bookshop and says that oh so famous line : 'I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her. '

I paused the movie and thought, seriously? That is where this line is from, Notting Hill? Anyways I never found this qoute all that amazing, it just seemed to lack something. I typed in the qoute on Google and this British gossip website had voted it into the top ten worst qoutes from movies from whatever year it had come out. The British can be quite brutal sometimes, Hugh Grant though he is one British boy I love. He is witty and ridiculous, and his floppy hair and accent kind of make me swoon. He is a bit more handsome than James Macavoy I now realize who looks like he got his nose broken too many a times.

I packed for D.C and am kind of excited for the program. I finally finished shopping today, bought 10 books at Barnes & Nobles and some clothes at the mall. When I came out the store with all the books in my hand my sister told me I liked to waste money and said I spent too much time reading. I walked up the stairs to see Malkia sneaking out of my room with three of my books. This wouldn't annoy me if when she returned them, they were in the same condition and she put it back on shelf in the right place, but this never happens.

music music music

fix you by Coldplay came on and everytime I hear this song, I imagine myself saying and doing everything I was scared to do before. Winning that cross country race, telling the one guy that used to matter so much I felt, not turning my back on Lucien. As the chords rise and the words come, my heart fills with hope of what could have been. I wish myself back into the past:
'tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace, tears stream down your face, and I.."
When the last chords come around, and martin's voice quiets, i calm down down, I open my eyes, and remind myself what's done is done and forget about it for the time being.

hi. i miss you.

Today is the supposed sweet sixteen. I was supposed to go away with Lucien and friends for the weekend in New York, but my parents did not let me go. I would not have been upset if they wanted me stay so I could have a family day with them. What I did today was not even remotely close to fun. I woke up and it felt like any other day.

I woke up, went to the RMV in Leo's minster(i always say it like that , i dont know why.) It was 8:50 the place did not open for another ten minutes, yet there was 30 people in line already. I sat on the sidewalk, slapped on my shades, and opened Walden and began my dreaded summer reading. I lost concetration after the first page and stood against the light pole and put in my earphones.
I thought about this past year in school and how completely different it was from the one before it. When I think back to the first year, I get so mad at myself. I can't figure out how I was so stupid and screwed up my freshman year over .. well things that are not important anymore. I always always think about things before I do them when it comes to things like this. Yet, I just, saw it went for it and had no idea what I was doing. I promised myself to never to do it again, to apologize , make peace, change and I tried and I feel as if I was somewhat successful.
It is one of those things that I do not expect to happen to me again. When you like someone but you don't realize it how much, when all you used to do was think about them and smile and you heard yourself talking about them all the time and you could not stop. Even though you knew people would get annoyed because it was the only thing you could talk about. I cringe when I think about it, but this year I was laid back , did better in school, made more friends and actually got somewhere.
I applied for a summer program and I am off to D.C on the 12th. I am not excited, I never am about huge things like this. For other people, they would flip, and think it was the chance of a lifetime but situations like this do not make me happy. Simple things make me happy, like, Lucien. He makes me happy, when he calls at anytime to just hello, or tell me some random thing that was on his mind no matter how unimportant it is. I like the little things, like how he knew I would want a gift certificate to a book store than to go out to a fancy restaurant. Even though I had the worst birthday ever, his words when he rang the phone five minutes ago just made me smile. I sat reading on the steps and watched the phone ring for a few seconds before I picked it up. "hola,te echo de menos rachel,"he says. I smiled, looped the braid in my hair around my finger and said ' i miss you too.'