Belief

This week has had so many twists and turns that I can hardly keep up. I was ready to just
let. it . all . go. Reassurance, coming from the right person is such a powerful thing. God knows I needed it, and I am so thankful. The MCAS results came last night, and when I opened it, I screamed and hugged ma maman. A friend of mine and told me that I should keep on working hard, because good things would come my way and suprisingly, he was right.
This week is Spirit Week! I seem like the type of person who does not have a lot of school spirit, but when I dress up, I go full out and take lots of pictures.
I have becomed accustomed to a life without any television. The one that we had broke three months ago, and since then, it is like we have changed the whole structure of how things are around the house. I still watch shows from time to time on the Internet; the one I usually watch is called, 'Glee.' It had a qoute that made me think a bit: 'Doing this,taught me something; I do not have talk bad about people, to make myself feel better.'
I am not always complaining about something,but if I see something I do not like or I have problem with, I just say it, regardless of whether it's mean or not. Being judgemental, is not something I like about myself, but I am, all the time. I will hear myself saying something, and think ' that was a bit harsh.' As much as I dislike the fact that I do that, I keep silent at times, just so I do not overwhelm people with my personality. I hate always talking, or constantly saying what I am thinking. It is bad of course to not express what I think or feel at all, but I do not want to do it to a point where it is too much and seeing that happen to other people just makes me think, 'what if I was in that situation.'
The week has started out slow, so I had a power clean up and studied for everything I possibly could. Inspired from my boyfriend, the song I have in my head today is... Belief by Gavin Degraw.

sweater of the day.

When I leave my room a take a sweater out of my closet to put on. I have so many of them, color coordinated, lined up in a row. As I was picking one today, I was reminded of Mr. Rogerson from the TV show, 'Mr . Rogerson Neighborhood.' He always had a sweater of the day to put on, as he walked out of his house. I was reminded of my childhood and how I would watch that show all the time and sing along without a care in the world. Afterwards, I was sad because I realized that nothing was really the same anymore.

WOW!

My father met and shook hands with Barack Obama today, in Philadelphia. He just called and told me, and I screamed so loud! I am so excited, he is so excited. This, just totally, made my day.

reduce. re-use. recycle.

Yesterday, I went to the Sterling Fair to volunteer and I absolutely loved it. People young and old, were walking by smiling, just having a good time.

Terry, the man in charge everything, shook my hand for an extra long time when I came and said, ' you live up on that white up house on houghton road don't ya? I didn't look you up or nothin', I just been building a house down the street from there.'
I smiled and told him, ' you bet I do, that house you're building, it's a big one, and an ugly one too, if you ask me.'
He threw his head back and laughed, and slapped the man on the shoulder next to him and said, 'Aren't you a riot? Those people movin' in there a bit.. well you know..' and he turned his head and took his finger and brushed it against the tip of his nose and raised his eyebrow, and it was my turn to laugh. He told e tha the Stering Fair had been going on for 28 years and he loved every minute of it, he just did not know how to get volunteers. I suggested that he ask Principal Beando up at wachusett, to putit on the announcments when the fair comes around, and surely people would sign up. All day, I sold t-shirts, buttons, helped people around the place, and had more fun than I had had, in a real long time.

Some people, when they came up to the t-shirt booth, they were just plain annoying.
'Ma'am,' a lady said to me, ' I was wondering if you could help me out. I have a little situation with my baby here, do you mind if I come inside and change his diaper and breastfeed for a while?' I skinned up my nose so fast, and said slowly..' uh, this is a store, not a bathroom. Don't you have a car?'
She then proceeded to start speaking and then she stoppped, then she would start up again, cock her hip and look at me, expecting me to let her in. This went on for a good ten minutes, before Terry came and told her that maybe the frst aid booth could help her out.

One hour later some woman comes up asking me if I could give her a t-shirt for her son. 'Well, where is your son?' I asked. 'Oh, well you know, he's around.'
'Well, what size is he?'
'Would it be a problem if you just laid out all the t-shirts for me to see?'
There were ten different sizes for the t-shirts, childrens, youth and adult; and if I took them out I would have to fold them al up again. I realized then and there, I could never work in a department store, I did not have the patience for anybodys' nonsense.

I loved the little children that came up and smiled and jumped up and down when I gave them a free frisbee. That is what I loved about the fair, people coming out, supporting eachother, spending time with their families and friends. I took pictures for families, and talked to those who came by themself and found something fun for them to do.

The most peculiar thing I saw of the day was the Go Green band. The Go Green Band, consisted of a woman in her mid 40's dressed up as clown/child entertainer.. and her husband and their son. Everthing they used, was recycled matierial and they sung for the little kids. They were really good and the song that I couldn't help, dancing along to, was their song, 'Reduce! Re-use, Recycle.' I thought it was a nice way to reach out to the parents, and kids; I loved the fact that the Sterling Fair gave them a chance.

procrastination...sucks.

I hate henry david thoreau with a burning passion. I need sleep, unfortunately my summer homework is taking forfuckingever to do.
I'm taking a break and watching weeds, I don't think I can type anymore papers today or draw anymore.

jamaica.

My boyfriend and some friends and I went to Jamaica for a while. I loved it there so much, and somehow the jamaican accent comes out when I am down there. We went to the market and the beach. I would see random tourists everywhere and they would get ripped off, paying so much money for things and laughing at what the rasta man where saying even though they could not understand them.
We went to the country to go see my family and theirs. While I was walking barefoot in the country, I heard the roosters and smelt the ocean and it reminded me of Thoreau's section on sounds in Walden. So I sat down and wrote about what I was hearing and it was actually fun. For some reason, I am enjoying the book, Thoreau is funny at some parts. I opened the book on the airplane to the section SOLITUDE and the first words he said were ' This is a DELICIOUS evening.' I laughed out loud, AP this year should be fun. My flight yesterday was at noon and Lucien and the others at a flight twenty minutes before I did, so we went to the airport together. Montego Bay Airport in Jamaica only has one terminal so even though they were flying to New York, and I to Massachusetts,we were all together until the last minute. We had one of those cute airport moments where you say goodbye and stuff. I have Adam Levine's Sweetest Goodbye song stuck in my head, and its only the part where his voice rises as he says ' show you how I feel..feel...feel.'

perdre.

I went to the guidance office today to get my schedule fixed and my mother would not shut up. She was all, I want her to take this and that. Then she got an attitude with the lady. as if the lady does not have enough crap to deal with. So I said 'Dear God, I can do this mother, thank you.' Now she is all ' I do not have anything to say to you.' Bah, I really cannot stand her sometimes. I watched Memoirs of a Geisha today, for the second time in two years. I was silent afterwards. So many things in the film reminded me of people I know, and how fragile life is. It made me miss Lucien, I did not think I would miss him this much. Someone on their trip was hurt in Jamaica and I got so worried and called his father to make sure nothing happened to him. I never realized how important he is to me till now. Now that I have not heard his voice or seen his face for a long time, I know that he is a part of me. I don't know what I would do, if i ever..

Dream Remembered

* another journal post from english this year.
written 1/26/09

I had a dream about a friend of mine, who is a boy, meeting my parents for the first time. I was in the car, with my parents and I got out of the car and he was there skateboarding with his friends. I spoke to him and everything was great, but then the colors changed and we were in a house. My parents were there, telling me the boy wasn't suitable, that his lifestyle was innapropiate. I was upset, and he saw the fact that they did not accept him, and he began to dissapear, and I was alone, for the second time.

Perspective

But time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath
coldplay.amsterdam.

How many people have difficult situations that have to deal with each and every day. In D.C, we learned about inner conflict and then the pressures from those around us, that we face every single day. We learned about different cultures from the people in the class. Why do we believe in what we believe in? Are our thoughts our own? Our professor made us question everyone and everything. Their actions, their intentions, the outcome of the action. Then he taught us theories that applied to these everyday scenarios, we learned about situations and people in the past who went through the same exact thing. We broadened the subject from the people in our classroom, to everyone in the world; world cultures and conflicts. It was under the category of social sciences and I knew that loved researching up theories and ideas like this, I just did not know how to title it. Now I know what it is, and there is so much to learn, to explore and finally find something that I am really interested in, made me so happy.
This combined with the pyschiatry are my main intrests and I would love to pursue a job in either field. My mother is always telling me, you need to know what you want to do with your life, and now I do. This trip, combined with the one to Kenya in Feburary, definitely put things in perspective.

D.C Program Pictures =)

gone gone gone

DC is amazing. I thought that since I was taking a college course it was going to be so hard, but the discussions that we have in class are so deep and everyone is open about . I am one of the few rising juniors here for the program but age does not even matter here. My professor looks like he walked out a Jane Austen book or Bronte, he fits the description of Mr Darcy but he is pleasant looking. I love him so much, he just adopted a baby from Russia and was not able to make it for the first class so he skyped in, for our first class. Technology today is truly ah-mazingg. What I am about to say makes me seem a bit dense but I hoped to meet some great looking guys down here, I did not, but they are ok.

So many of the people here are rising seniors and megan and I are able to keep up with them and talk on the same level, and recieve those top grades. They told us that we are going to be so smart when we are rising seniors if we can keep up right now and that definitely made us feel better. A girl from back home is at this program with me when we saw eachother we screamed because I felt that even though I did not know her that well, I wasn't alone.


I understand her better now though, our whole group is awesome. Nick from Singapore is a riot oh god he just, he is like the tourette's guy on YouTube but so much funnier. Roddie Lee from Tennessee is awesome and Maya from Indiana, Hannah from NC and Daniel from Chicago. Then their is Matt the polish boy who speaks french too and is from New Jersey. Sam and Charlie the Jew Boys as they call themselves knew each other growing up and they make everyone's day. Then there is Megan and me, we tell stories about our small town and how horrible it is. We both know that if we were back there now we could never have as much fun as we are having now. This, this program is the highlight of my highschool years, people from all over the country who want the same things and we are all moving at the same pace, together. When I go back to school i am going to feel as though I nothing changed, but then I will remember here, and the people I have met and the experiences that I've had and I'll smile just because.

Where do you feel as though you don't fit in?

I was sitting in class today taking notes and decided to flip to the front of the book. I began to read the journal entries that Mr. Balogh had us write daily and I liked these two the most.


Answer: I grew up in New York around people of the same race and cultural background as my own. When I moved here seven years ago, things changed. They spoke differently, wore different clothes and excelled in school. Where I came from, if you were smart, and got good grades, you were called a nerd. If you didn't have fun, or curse out the teacher, you acted "white." What I hated the most was that some expected me to 'act black.' To me that was degrading, they didn't know me or where I came from and to stereotype all black people by what you see over the media is pure ignorance. I did not find the need to prove to anybody who I was but, I never fit in perfectly into one of those circles; whether it was around the people I live around now, or those back home who looked at me like I was an outcast. Neither circles do I belong, so I hold my own and hope for things to change.

Thoughts

After reading Walden for 2 hours yesterday, I decided to take a break and picked Notting Hill to watch. Towards the end of the film Julia Roberts walks in to the travel bookshop and says that oh so famous line : 'I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her. '

I paused the movie and thought, seriously? That is where this line is from, Notting Hill? Anyways I never found this qoute all that amazing, it just seemed to lack something. I typed in the qoute on Google and this British gossip website had voted it into the top ten worst qoutes from movies from whatever year it had come out. The British can be quite brutal sometimes, Hugh Grant though he is one British boy I love. He is witty and ridiculous, and his floppy hair and accent kind of make me swoon. He is a bit more handsome than James Macavoy I now realize who looks like he got his nose broken too many a times.

I packed for D.C and am kind of excited for the program. I finally finished shopping today, bought 10 books at Barnes & Nobles and some clothes at the mall. When I came out the store with all the books in my hand my sister told me I liked to waste money and said I spent too much time reading. I walked up the stairs to see Malkia sneaking out of my room with three of my books. This wouldn't annoy me if when she returned them, they were in the same condition and she put it back on shelf in the right place, but this never happens.

music music music

fix you by Coldplay came on and everytime I hear this song, I imagine myself saying and doing everything I was scared to do before. Winning that cross country race, telling the one guy that used to matter so much I felt, not turning my back on Lucien. As the chords rise and the words come, my heart fills with hope of what could have been. I wish myself back into the past:
'tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace, tears stream down your face, and I.."
When the last chords come around, and martin's voice quiets, i calm down down, I open my eyes, and remind myself what's done is done and forget about it for the time being.

hi. i miss you.

Today is the supposed sweet sixteen. I was supposed to go away with Lucien and friends for the weekend in New York, but my parents did not let me go. I would not have been upset if they wanted me stay so I could have a family day with them. What I did today was not even remotely close to fun. I woke up and it felt like any other day.

I woke up, went to the RMV in Leo's minster(i always say it like that , i dont know why.) It was 8:50 the place did not open for another ten minutes, yet there was 30 people in line already. I sat on the sidewalk, slapped on my shades, and opened Walden and began my dreaded summer reading. I lost concetration after the first page and stood against the light pole and put in my earphones.
I thought about this past year in school and how completely different it was from the one before it. When I think back to the first year, I get so mad at myself. I can't figure out how I was so stupid and screwed up my freshman year over .. well things that are not important anymore. I always always think about things before I do them when it comes to things like this. Yet, I just, saw it went for it and had no idea what I was doing. I promised myself to never to do it again, to apologize , make peace, change and I tried and I feel as if I was somewhat successful.
It is one of those things that I do not expect to happen to me again. When you like someone but you don't realize it how much, when all you used to do was think about them and smile and you heard yourself talking about them all the time and you could not stop. Even though you knew people would get annoyed because it was the only thing you could talk about. I cringe when I think about it, but this year I was laid back , did better in school, made more friends and actually got somewhere.
I applied for a summer program and I am off to D.C on the 12th. I am not excited, I never am about huge things like this. For other people, they would flip, and think it was the chance of a lifetime but situations like this do not make me happy. Simple things make me happy, like, Lucien. He makes me happy, when he calls at anytime to just hello, or tell me some random thing that was on his mind no matter how unimportant it is. I like the little things, like how he knew I would want a gift certificate to a book store than to go out to a fancy restaurant. Even though I had the worst birthday ever, his words when he rang the phone five minutes ago just made me smile. I sat reading on the steps and watched the phone ring for a few seconds before I picked it up. "hola,te echo de menos rachel,"he says. I smiled, looped the braid in my hair around my finger and said ' i miss you too.'

Stay With Me

It has been running through my head, the different ways that he would say it to me. I wondered what my reaction would be, would i scream, jump up and down, or even respond.
But it wasn't any of those, a couple of minutes after we had hung up the phone, he called right back and said: 'Rachel.. i think i love you.'
Never in my life had my heart been so calm, i closed my eyes, lifted my head up to the sky, feeling at peace with all around me.
In that moment, i let all my problems fall away and responded 'well that's a good thing, because I love you too.' The silence that followed i knew was a good one, i heard him take a deep breath and we both thought,
finally.