Dippity Doooo, YAY. kitttttty!!!!!!

Went to Youth Group today at Hope Chapel. I met this girl Kitty, she made me laugh.. a lot. There was dinner- mac & cheeseee yum! Chill session where I met different people. The Yankee Swap was coll and I liked the feel of the atmosphere , there was energy bouncing from every person and people were genuine.

It was nice seeing people outside of school in a different setting, it made you see them in a different light. On the ride home, Kitty ,her brother and I and his friend raided the 'used to be honey farms' in sterling. I had too many energy drinks and discovered that Hershey's chocolate is the best thing since sliced bread. The boys are only freshman but their awesome, and Kitty reminds me of my eccentric older sister.

This was my exciting event of the week. For the rest of the week everything goes downhill, i have to volunteer at an arts and craft fair with children for 5 hours tomorrow. You spend so much time making something and a little child is going to destroy it in 5 seconds, it makes you feel like all your hard work is going to waste.

Anyways I have to start my history homework, jakubs is definitely gonna give a pop quiz tomorrow. Au revoir.

Being vulnerable isn't my thing. I'm .. I suppress things, I don't confront them. suffer from denial if you will. It's pathetic, I try to speak and open my mouth and nothing comes out. I can never talk about the important things. I LET IT OUT for the first time today in months and honestly I don't know what I have done without Alex and this club I just started going to at school. Both of them of have helped me in more ways than on and for that I am grateful.

you have opened my eyes
you have set my soul free
and for this i thank you

love you
appreciate you
and will never let you go

Snow Snow Snow

I have been going to Writing Club, it's been lovely and after three weeks , I finally read without stuttering or getting all red in the face ( not that anybody can see when I get red.)

I must say ,Mr. Farrell is quite the character, I would have loved him as a teacher.

PSAT's came in this week for everyone and mine are still being mailed over since I took them elsewhere but I am not as stressed for some reason. I am enjoying this year more than any other. I love my classes and.. the return of snow! On the bus, I was looking out the window and was reminded of this past winter and the excited feeling that comes with snow.

Last Year's Winter:

♥

Over.

Quite A Eventful Saturday:
1. Went to new york with mon pater and siblings
2. Went to my first concert with my cousins and some old friends I had not seen in years. We cauht up , danced , ate out. It was one of the highlights in my life
3. Had my cousins help me memorize all the ions for the chem quiz on monday
4. Broke up with my longtime boyfriend
5. Visited two universities, which I absolutely loved!
6. Got to play the piano with some amazing musicians and they showed me a different style and it was new and exciting! I went up there in front of the crowd and did improv with the band and my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking but , there is nothing like it . Especially when your done and the crowd goes crazy, I looked back at Mark and he shouted ' it gets better girl, hit me up the next time you're down here.'



It was a good day, it made me excited to graduate highschool and get out into the real world. So many of my friends from the summer program have status updates saying, ' I GOT INTO COLLEGE' and I think , yup, I still have a year to go. Sweet.

Temptation.

You see something(one). You want something(one);but ..it isn't yours to have. You know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyways. Aren't people entitled to be selfish once in a while?

I'll be There

Thanksgiving was amazing. I love my family and some of my friends. I drove down with my dad
and siblings and we stopped in NYC and then went to my aunt's house. Once all of my family arrived the party became rather rambunctious, not going to lie though, I loved every minute of it.
My uncle who is Rastafarian cooked this huge feast then just sat there and did not eat half of it . Honestly, i do not know how he goes through life not eating meat.
After dinner my cousins and I watched the 30th annual celebration of Micheal Jackson from 2003 on the TV and we all flipped.
Our moms went to his concerts when they were younger and have all kept their tickets. Since we were kids his music has always been playing in our homes. While my older cousin was getting down to 'Smooth Criminal' my brother sang 'Billy Jean' and my aunt was basically crying when he started singing 'I'll Be There' (that part was kind of ridiculous.)
Later on my cousin and I found the hottest shoes in my aunts room. She has a room dedicated just to her shoes. They are absolutely divine, I did not even care that they were 3-4 inch heels.
I hung out with Lucien during the day and next weekend we are going to the movies and he wants to see 'New Moon.' Can anybody say EW.

Because I said so

my mother is so... !!!! She just makes me so mad. She came back from the drivers ed meeting tonight and she walks into the house and says,
'the instructor said you can drive with non-family members after six months, but you are not going to until you're 18.'
'Why, that doesn't make any sense, I didn't sign up to sit in a classroom for 30 hours to only drive my annoying siblings around for the next two years. The law, driving instructors who know more about this than you do said 6 months, why would I wait 2 years?'
'Because I said so.'
'You can't do this, why do you always to try ruin everything that I have, you made me quit basketball, you are always checking up on my grades screaming if i get one B and you never have liked my friends. I want to drive, without you dictating to me where or whom I drive.'
She just stopped arguing and said the usual line ' you are so rude.'

Anyways today in drivers ed before we left early he had us watch this video, everybody was silent while watching it.

A Story

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can't come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don't go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy's supplications
and a father's love add up to silence.

-- Li-Young Lee

pick a number, any number

QOTD: How would you describe anger? (from ned mctigue)
How would I describe my anger?

-inability to do things

-inability to be successful after working so hard.

- failure to express my feelings to those that need to hear it the most

-the fact no matter how I try to explain myself, some people just do not get it

- the fact that I am sometimes a hypocrite

-the fear of never leaving this place

- the fact that I can't picture my future,I can't picure any of it

- failing.

But I know that through all this uncertainty, one thing is for sure. I'll always have you and no matter where I go and when it is done we will walk where the road meets the sun...
(Katie Herzig and Matthew Perryman Jones)

A Prayer

Met a guy who had the same wide , dimpled smile like my older brother. It made me think of how long it's been since I have seen him, heard from him, thought of him. When someone leaves and it is to painful to think about it, your brain just represses that memory,so things can be easier.
I wrote two cards today, one for him and one for an old friend. My mom came to me the other day and told me that she had cancer. I sat alone at the table and did not say anything , what was I supposed to say? Why are there so many people in my life who have cancer, why are so many people sick or dying? What I am supposed to say to make them feel better, what do I tell myself to make me feel better? There isn't anything and that is what hurts the most, knowing that pain is coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So when I walked into the hospital, I stood there at the foot of the bed and prayed for her life, hoping that she would fight through this.. and win.

let's take a five...

I spent the weekend in New York again, I stayed up all night and for once did not sit up stressing about homework, that next test , or college or any of it. I had .. fun ! It was great. I miss my family from down there and my friends. Lucien took me out with some friends and we ate out and went to the city and just stayed up all night talking, driving, doing whatever we felt like doing. When 6:30 rolled around and the sun came up we all went outside and sat down on the benches huddled together to watch the sunrise. It was beautiful, one of those moments where nobody needs to say anything because everyone is thinking the same thing. I tore my eyes for a moment to stare at him and I smiled and thought 'mine, mine, mine.'

But now I am back home and it is all school, study, volunteer, work, the same thing over and over again. Aie! Two more weeks and new york here I come..

Sans toi.

           I watched the movie, 'Me Without You' today instead of starting my homework. Absolutely loved it, and wondered.. could I imagine myself without you? No... no I don't think I can; it would hurt too much. Couldn't possibly everbe without you and be alright, it just doesn't make sense to me. Right?  I've recently picked up sowing.. I have also checked 'Wuthering Heights' by Emily Bronte out of the library, it seems to be the most depressing book I have ever read and its horribly confusing. I love sowing though, it takes my mind off of the troublesome things in my life.

please. ease. stress. YES! no. I cannot bear, wait yes I can, up down all around , in a jffy. 'Yeah mom? COMINGGGG.'
OMG, guess what?'
'bitch, can't fu..' 'hey, whats up?'
'my head hurts...ooh look he is so fine.'
'RACHEL, FOCUS!'

'Uh Mr. Guinness? Oh um the radius is 5 andthe center is (0,0).

yeah this is my head everyday, random thoughts megan told me today that sometimes i have a really short attention spand. I do, I know it.

why yes i would like fries with that.

Sometimes I get annoyed when people are always saying 'I love my boyfriend,' but when I think of this past weekend it is the only thing I can think of. The old me would have would have been so disgusted that I am stuck on one guy and feel happy and tingly inside but I think that a part of her would have been happy too.

W A N T E D: ?

Family... is such a complicated thing, constantly arguing and in a disarray,it's tiresome. Once in a while, you get to sit down and take a breather, and you think you have a break but you don't. It is a constant effort and I am just so tired. I am studying for my Walden test right now, and going to live alone, ( preferrably not in the woods) sounds really good right about now.

I lied. Julian's song is not as amazing as I thought it was. Depending on my mood, I like and dislike a lot of things, I'm not sure if I have ever known what I've wanted.

La Musique

My sister sat together and played Julian's new single over and over again throughout the day on Sunday. It is called '11th Dimension.' It is not as if the song is unlike something I have never heard before, it is just so different from The Strokes. When I first heard it, I thought , 80's music! But then while Sasha and I were hanging out with some friends in the kitchen, it came on shuffle again and it made me want to groove to the beat, while I cooked the dinner. His voice is beautiful and lingers on each word for the right amount of time and the music is a mixed funky/electronica sound, and it is a risk but it is ah-mazing. There are people, like my sister Malkia, who hate it and listen to 30h!3. They sing the lyrics, 'shush girl, shush your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.' I dislike that song with a passion.

Sasha and I have bought every Strokes CD when they have come out, and when Albert did his own album we bought it also. So, as soon as Julian's is out, we are off to the store. I am going to have the lyrics stuck in my head for a while...

Drop your guard, you don't have to be smart all of the time

I got a mind full of blanks, I need to go somewhere new fast

And don't be shy, oh no, at least deliberately

No one really cares or wanders why anymore

Oh I got music, coming outta my hands and feet and kisses

That is how it once was done

All the dreamers on the run