Just write.

"You guys want to be grown, but enjoy the time you have. Don't wish your life away, it'll be gone and you'll wonder what the hell happened."
" I am like a 50 year old man living inside of an 18 year old's body."
-Tyler Wiseman

When I first met this guy, I honestly didn't expect anything from him but seven months later I realized he has good in him and he keeps the class laughing...or he keeps our corner of the class laughing.

I came into to school this morning with three hours of sleep and I was absolutely miserable but a thank you goes to jakeee for making me smile :)

Yesterday I was upset and the only way I knew I would feel better was if I called him and could not remember when I had allowed myself to be so dependent on someone to make me happy. I have changed, and I am so proud.

my favorite passage of the day is from http://www.mindoverclutter.com/dumpyour.htm :


Dump Your Brain Clutter
by Janet L. Hall

Marcus Aurelius said, "A man's life is what his thoughts make of it." Think about this for a moment..Interesting, isn't it?

As you awake in the morning, your mind races ahead of your body with all kinds of * stuff * pouring in and out. All your thoughts, ideas, chores, and worries that you might have.

No wonder you're tired before your feet even hit the ground. Before you realize it, you're up and running here, running there, going through your morning, unaware of how you even apply the toothpaste on your brush or what body parts you wash first. All the while, stuff is pouring into your head from everywhere, ideas, chores, appointments, commitments, relationships, conversations, past events, the future. This self-talk, we all have it. Random thoughts: worries, fears, negativity, frustration, happiness, joy, freedom, inspiration, and light bulb ideas.

Oh, and the nighttime thoughts that keep you from falling asleep; sleep you so badly need and yearn for. The tossing and turning because you can't seem to shut off the clutter of self-talk that invades your brain, such as the got to do's, forgot to do's, want to do's and could haves, and should haves.

Whatever is bouncing around in your head and heart, let it flow from your pen, dumping your "brain clutter" onto paper. Don't think about what you're writing, don't stop to analyze your words, to plan, to prioritize, if it can be or can't be accomplished, undone, or changed. Just write.

Freak out.

So this past week was so stressful,BUT everything actually ended up going really well. I think I used up all my luck though, I freaked out every day and started to late on way too many things. . I am never procrastinating as much as I did this week ever again.

I am looking forward to: half days. french midterm. weekends in new york. driving myself to go shopping. my summer program in CT! Seeing my brothers again.
not looking forward to: SAT's. AP Tests. Chemistry midterm. Beginning of Tennis Season.
I just watched Ugly Betty and I heard this song The New Pornographers, "Adventures In Solitude" and I loved it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Oh my goodness. I have a french speaking midterm tomorrow, I did not know about it. Yeah when did Madame Scarsella tell us this?
English group project due on Friday---> SO SCREWED.
Chemistry test.
History Test.
Shit. Shit....SHIT.

My brothers just spent the last weekend with their friends and family before leaving. Everyone passed by hugged and talked excitedly. My brothers were saying goodbye and he sat across the room and just staring. I was overwhelmed with how much I was losing all at once and excused myself before anyone could see me cry.
I heard the door open and I turned around and he stood waiting against the wall, " I don't know what to do," I began. " I know," he said. He wrapped his arms around me and I held on because in all my life a hug had never been so fortifying or felt so good.


Pleasure turns to the pain
lessons learned from the strain
questions burned in my brain..
about whether love is humane
in its touch.
these thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream
in the tears of your deceit.
fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos
of our intertwined emotions.
chaotic because the anchor of Error's arrow has been plucked
from the vessel of my undying infatuation
separation not as simple as the distance between us
my mind no longer possessed by demons
that have been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
the seeds of these lies rooted so deeply
they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared
allowing the faith in us i had sealed inside
to gush out like a river
ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts
as violently and as brutally as if it were a child
being taken from its mothers arms
I'm left surrounded in darkness
but i refuse to be swallowed by it
my loneliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
it is cold comfortableness
yet if i could do it all over again
id do it in the same skin I'm in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie?
no, no..not i
id stay around and let love fly
even though i have seen its darkest form
deceit
nothing else could taste this warm
or feel this sweet...
(ATL)

this is my winter song to you.

A friend of the family was at the house today. When she saw me she shouted "Rachel! look at how you've grown." I smiled and thought how I heard the same comment everyday. She knocked on my door later and let herself in. She somehow saw herself as the bigger sister that Sasha failed to be. I did not see it that way, at all. Anyways I was sowing and I placed it down and asked her if something was wrong. "Nope," she replied. See I thought that would be the end of the conversation but she stood there so I sighed and said, "Why don't you come in?" She sat on the bed, and got comfortable and I looked out the window and waited for her to speak.

" SO.. I noticed everyone is downstairs and you have been up here all day."
inside my head: oh goodness, this is gonna take a while
"Oh, well I just like quiet time, that's all."
"Well, tell me about yourself. Do you have a boyfriend?"
mmh. no, i dumped him and he hates me and i'm alone, but that isn't what she wants to hear.
"I sure do! He's great."
"Well what about your friends, who do you hang out with from school?"
I hardly have any really. What does that say about me. Why am I by myself?
" I've got some, they're great. Maybe you'll meet them sometime."
"I'm so glad to hear it hon, I was worried about you for a second."
Oh no need to be worried Ms. K , I do the worrying all by myself, bottled up inside. God knows , I wish I knew how to handle it. But you wouldn't want to hear that either.
"Don't be silly, everything is great. I'm fine."

Yeah I'm fine. Just fine.


Yesterday we had to watch some war movie in history, and I couldn't handle it. Every bomb that went off, every mom that broke down when she heard her son was dead, made me think about my pain. And when I couldn't handle it anymore I left class, I ran to the bathroom and saw the tears in my eyes and noticed how i couldn't keep my hands from shaking. I bit my tongue and made myself stop. I looked myself in the mirror and made myself forget again. I went to back to class and studied for chemistry instead. My teacher asked if I was alright, and I smiled and told him I was fine. If anyone had looked in my eyes at the moment they would have realized that I was lying, and I was nowhere near fine.

Dippity Doooo, YAY. kitttttty!!!!!!

Went to Youth Group today at Hope Chapel. I met this girl Kitty, she made me laugh.. a lot. There was dinner- mac & cheeseee yum! Chill session where I met different people. The Yankee Swap was coll and I liked the feel of the atmosphere , there was energy bouncing from every person and people were genuine.

It was nice seeing people outside of school in a different setting, it made you see them in a different light. On the ride home, Kitty ,her brother and I and his friend raided the 'used to be honey farms' in sterling. I had too many energy drinks and discovered that Hershey's chocolate is the best thing since sliced bread. The boys are only freshman but their awesome, and Kitty reminds me of my eccentric older sister.

This was my exciting event of the week. For the rest of the week everything goes downhill, i have to volunteer at an arts and craft fair with children for 5 hours tomorrow. You spend so much time making something and a little child is going to destroy it in 5 seconds, it makes you feel like all your hard work is going to waste.

Anyways I have to start my history homework, jakubs is definitely gonna give a pop quiz tomorrow. Au revoir.

Being vulnerable isn't my thing. I'm .. I suppress things, I don't confront them. suffer from denial if you will. It's pathetic, I try to speak and open my mouth and nothing comes out. I can never talk about the important things. I LET IT OUT for the first time today in months and honestly I don't know what I have done without Alex and this club I just started going to at school. Both of them of have helped me in more ways than on and for that I am grateful.

you have opened my eyes
you have set my soul free
and for this i thank you

love you
appreciate you
and will never let you go

Snow Snow Snow

I have been going to Writing Club, it's been lovely and after three weeks , I finally read without stuttering or getting all red in the face ( not that anybody can see when I get red.)

I must say ,Mr. Farrell is quite the character, I would have loved him as a teacher.

PSAT's came in this week for everyone and mine are still being mailed over since I took them elsewhere but I am not as stressed for some reason. I am enjoying this year more than any other. I love my classes and.. the return of snow! On the bus, I was looking out the window and was reminded of this past winter and the excited feeling that comes with snow.

Last Year's Winter:

♥

Over.

Quite A Eventful Saturday:
1. Went to new york with mon pater and siblings
2. Went to my first concert with my cousins and some old friends I had not seen in years. We cauht up , danced , ate out. It was one of the highlights in my life
3. Had my cousins help me memorize all the ions for the chem quiz on monday
4. Broke up with my longtime boyfriend
5. Visited two universities, which I absolutely loved!
6. Got to play the piano with some amazing musicians and they showed me a different style and it was new and exciting! I went up there in front of the crowd and did improv with the band and my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking but , there is nothing like it . Especially when your done and the crowd goes crazy, I looked back at Mark and he shouted ' it gets better girl, hit me up the next time you're down here.'



It was a good day, it made me excited to graduate highschool and get out into the real world. So many of my friends from the summer program have status updates saying, ' I GOT INTO COLLEGE' and I think , yup, I still have a year to go. Sweet.

Temptation.

You see something(one). You want something(one);but ..it isn't yours to have. You know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyways. Aren't people entitled to be selfish once in a while?

I'll be There

Thanksgiving was amazing. I love my family and some of my friends. I drove down with my dad
and siblings and we stopped in NYC and then went to my aunt's house. Once all of my family arrived the party became rather rambunctious, not going to lie though, I loved every minute of it.
My uncle who is Rastafarian cooked this huge feast then just sat there and did not eat half of it . Honestly, i do not know how he goes through life not eating meat.
After dinner my cousins and I watched the 30th annual celebration of Micheal Jackson from 2003 on the TV and we all flipped.
Our moms went to his concerts when they were younger and have all kept their tickets. Since we were kids his music has always been playing in our homes. While my older cousin was getting down to 'Smooth Criminal' my brother sang 'Billy Jean' and my aunt was basically crying when he started singing 'I'll Be There' (that part was kind of ridiculous.)
Later on my cousin and I found the hottest shoes in my aunts room. She has a room dedicated just to her shoes. They are absolutely divine, I did not even care that they were 3-4 inch heels.
I hung out with Lucien during the day and next weekend we are going to the movies and he wants to see 'New Moon.' Can anybody say EW.

Because I said so

my mother is so... !!!! She just makes me so mad. She came back from the drivers ed meeting tonight and she walks into the house and says,
'the instructor said you can drive with non-family members after six months, but you are not going to until you're 18.'
'Why, that doesn't make any sense, I didn't sign up to sit in a classroom for 30 hours to only drive my annoying siblings around for the next two years. The law, driving instructors who know more about this than you do said 6 months, why would I wait 2 years?'
'Because I said so.'
'You can't do this, why do you always to try ruin everything that I have, you made me quit basketball, you are always checking up on my grades screaming if i get one B and you never have liked my friends. I want to drive, without you dictating to me where or whom I drive.'
She just stopped arguing and said the usual line ' you are so rude.'

Anyways today in drivers ed before we left early he had us watch this video, everybody was silent while watching it.

A Story

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can't come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don't go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy's supplications
and a father's love add up to silence.

-- Li-Young Lee

pick a number, any number

QOTD: How would you describe anger? (from ned mctigue)
How would I describe my anger?

-inability to do things

-inability to be successful after working so hard.

- failure to express my feelings to those that need to hear it the most

-the fact no matter how I try to explain myself, some people just do not get it

- the fact that I am sometimes a hypocrite

-the fear of never leaving this place

- the fact that I can't picture my future,I can't picure any of it

- failing.

But I know that through all this uncertainty, one thing is for sure. I'll always have you and no matter where I go and when it is done we will walk where the road meets the sun...
(Katie Herzig and Matthew Perryman Jones)

A Prayer

Met a guy who had the same wide , dimpled smile like my older brother. It made me think of how long it's been since I have seen him, heard from him, thought of him. When someone leaves and it is to painful to think about it, your brain just represses that memory,so things can be easier.
I wrote two cards today, one for him and one for an old friend. My mom came to me the other day and told me that she had cancer. I sat alone at the table and did not say anything , what was I supposed to say? Why are there so many people in my life who have cancer, why are so many people sick or dying? What I am supposed to say to make them feel better, what do I tell myself to make me feel better? There isn't anything and that is what hurts the most, knowing that pain is coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So when I walked into the hospital, I stood there at the foot of the bed and prayed for her life, hoping that she would fight through this.. and win.

let's take a five...

I spent the weekend in New York again, I stayed up all night and for once did not sit up stressing about homework, that next test , or college or any of it. I had .. fun ! It was great. I miss my family from down there and my friends. Lucien took me out with some friends and we ate out and went to the city and just stayed up all night talking, driving, doing whatever we felt like doing. When 6:30 rolled around and the sun came up we all went outside and sat down on the benches huddled together to watch the sunrise. It was beautiful, one of those moments where nobody needs to say anything because everyone is thinking the same thing. I tore my eyes for a moment to stare at him and I smiled and thought 'mine, mine, mine.'

But now I am back home and it is all school, study, volunteer, work, the same thing over and over again. Aie! Two more weeks and new york here I come..