Missing the past

The other day there was a snow storm and i was home with my family. We sat around the house and my dad brought down the camcorder with the videos from when we were kids.
I saw videos of my brother, who's long gone now, and my family who has died or moved away. When we were young we laughed at the silliest things and complained to our parents. There was one point were none of us had front teeth it was horrible !:]
We didn't have such large responsibilities then but when i was watching myself on those tapes i realize i was exactly the same . I have grown physically but still my personality is has it always has been but life isn't and that's what i miss the most.

Footseps in the right Direction

In our church they talk about eternal damnation. Going to hell , if you don't live your life the way God tells us to. They don't do it to scare us they say , it is to make us realize that we need to live our life correctly. But all humans make mistakes, none of us are perfect .
In the end we will all sin, what happens to us then?

I've made some big changes in my life , my mother would say for the worse , i would say i don't know where I'm going .. at least not right now. I've a lost a best friend, one that i love very much. We used to like each other so much and then I messed things up. Everybody told me if he found out i had a boyfriend it would be the last string, no more going back. I don't know why i had a boyfriend, when I all needed was in front of me. Yet I'm always the one to break it off, because i don't want to be hurt.

You always see those movies, where they say love is about taking chances and well i thought maybe i'm too young to love. But there was one movie and she said .
" Maybe love doesn't choose us; maybe we choose it. It's always been there but when we make that choice to put our heart on the line, it's then we find happiness. "
Sometimes i wish it were that easy for me to let someone love me. I asked my godmother how she knew Cassidy was the one. She said " I knew he would never hurt me, not even if i hurt him. He would never hurt me back."

Go for it

Every morning i go out for a morning run up to the highest point on my street and watch the sunrise. It's automn now and around here it's one of the most beautiful seasons, these times are my only quiet ones. With a full family and thousands at a school; there is no peace.

So i began in the morning running longer distances and stay out longer and breathe in too much and it hurts , the wind makes my eyes water and my throat burns. But sometimes if i push hard enough i feel like i can escape it all.

Morning Glory

Waking from the brightness outside

stepping into the easy breeze

We look into the sky

and see God's morning glory.

Apologize

I'm holding on your rope,

Got me ten feet off the ground

And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me

Then you go and cut me down, but wait

You tell me that you're sorry

Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

that it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall

Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat

But it's nothing new , yeah

I loved you with the a fire red

Now it's turning blue, and you say...

I'm sorry for the angel

that heaven let me think was you

but I'm afraid...

Utopia

In class we are reading about different types of government, Utopian, communist, capitalist, etc. They all have their pro's and cons to me , what interests me though , is the idea of a Utopian government. Everything is perfect and the people are happy and every body is paid the same , but people still end up being unhappy.

In life people are never really satisfied, in the end we always find some way for something to turn out wrong. We can sometimes never really accept things for the way they are. Why? i have no idea.

Life

The World Today

In my honors history class we were to write a paper on what we thought of the world today. This is the last page of my paper:



Death may be around us a lot of the time but then there is joy in corners of ours hearts in many places. Some are happy to have a job to be alive, to be able to fulfill your dreams, have a child and hold your baby in your hands. To know that you have someone in your life who makes you happy and keeps you safe and will let you know everything will be okay is one of the greatest things. Having that knowledge of knowing that you love someone and they love you back. In these moments, once in a while life seems great and it’s what everyone wants but not what everyone gets and if they are lucky enough to receive that; then you are blessed with a most precious gift.
It’s a simple question of what I think of the world today. There is no peace no rest but every once in a while we find happiness. Sometimes god gives a miracle something to remember, things you thought impossible, possible. It gives you hope that everything isn’t so bad after all and that maybe this happen to the world for a reason, that we were cursed so we could be blessed.

Being Loved

Once we found that person who makes us happy , we don't have to feel so alone anymore. :]

School has made things better , i like the change a lot. I used to think that change was bad and that i wouldn't want to change anything in life and obviously i was wrong because .. i love it. :] The change of territory and variety of people being much closer to people than I ever imagined. People say i ahte school adn others say they love. It has its' ups and its' down just like life and i wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

Memories

I mss him and his laugh and the fact that im alone but school makes up for it, and my friends. I love school and the courses and all the homework, it takes my mind off of him. I can't sit and think or daydream or my thougths will stray to him and so i crowd my selfwith unimportant things. So i dont think of the biggest thing of all.

him at war.

Deja Vu

Years ago i had a dream where i was in my body in the future. A moment that i didn't understand in my room yet on a bed that wasn't mine and clutter there. At that moment in my dream i was on my bed and i knew my life would change. I knew something big was coming.

I was growing and making decisions in my life to start over and to be better that what i had been. To learn from my mistakes and allow peace into my life. I know what i have chosen is right, i only pray I'm strong enough to keep on going and not look back.

Sometimes i trip on how happy we could be ..

The so called boyfriend that i have wants to join the army. He wants me to wait for him yet he still continue's to flirt with any other girl like what he is giving is nothing important like it's nothing to me.

I feel like somethings breaking me or maybe it is a deep jealously but it's breaking me tormenting while i sit here waiting for him, till we can talk , i close my eyes and think:
'not that long, it will be ok.'
War i thought couldnt be that bad, but i think , i would never in my life want anything to happen to him.. because i would lose him and i would lose part of me and i would never be ok again.
He doesnt think of what i am going to do when he dies, when he is hurt knowing everyday that something could happen to him. The fact that he hasnt told his family that i am the only one who knows puts pressure on me in ways you couldnt imagine .

And everytime i see him , i try to find the right words to say , to make him stay. So that he doesnt leave..me his family, his friends and everything we have.

Fighter

We all have some where inside of us have knowledge of the things around us. We have the strength to do what needs to be done. The strength to move one, to let go of the past. I've to realize that many people you trust can't be trusted , they dont tell you the whole truth . I dont like the truth to be cut down in little pieces ,half of it be told and half hidden , you either say it or you don't.

So when someone says the greatest gift you can give them is your trust and confidence that's great, but some people can never return back to the way things used to be. You make a mistake you must live that.
And those that are hurt , like me, have become stronger and have forgot about their pains and are wiser and don't plan on looking back.

because the restless dreams of youth have come to an end you have become stronger , wiser and so much more. Those mistakes that you made in the past depending on people who werent there for you and putting confidence in those who could not be trusted they have taught you a lesson. For that I must say thank you and nothing else.

A new chapter begins.

" Know who your true friends and family are, and stay and depend on the people who really love you."

It's So Hard to Say goodbye

Don’t you know I miss you
Don’t you know I care
Don’t you know If I had million years
I still wouldn’t have enough time to spare

I want you to come home
I want you to come back

Please don’t make me do this
To have to say goodbye
I see you leaving me
Every time I blink

Im part of you and youre part of me
Parts of us will be missing

Please explain to me how it’s best for us
When it was your decision

I don’t want to feel this way
I want you to make me smile

To fell my arms around you again
It would make it all worthwile

just. please.

don't do this.

i dont know how to say it any other way
to help you understand
but know that i'm doing the best i can.

Growing up. old and away

Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.

-Alice Walker

It seems that way too many times before ive expected things from people. Often i realized that i have wanted things from people that they can't give. I've made it obvious that i have wanted something and you think, maybe they just don't want the same things and you give up. Don't expect him to always call you back or to always tell you the truth. Or to tell you that they love you in the most random moments; or that they are going to join the army,

He took me by such suprise i dont understand why someone would want to leave and go fight in a war. It's not a joke i said when people die every day

but some people like living on their toes, and those people sometimes dont see the dangers in life , but he's never been like that. And i dont want him to leave, i dont want to have to see him walk away and never come back.

Moving on

I've went away a lot from where I live. When you go to different places and see different people you then look back at home you realize that nothing can even compare... that none of it is even that important.
When you meet these new people they dont expect anything from you or sterotype you or have an idea right away of what your like. I could talk with simple frineds from all around the world for hours about everything but then with the people that you know, it seems like they want a problem and make things into a bigger situation. So maybe i'm just tired of my town or maybe i'm growing up but either way ,

i am over everything and movin' on baby.

Be Happy

The smallest things give me a peace of mind, give others a peace of mind. My year at a school as ended and to me it seems like another year has started or just a new chapter in life. Every day it's getting easier to let go of the things of the past and move on to see things from a different view.
I went to school with someone for years and this summer we have become close extremly close to find out that our situation is so similar and when you have someone there who understands you and is there for it feels good to have someone there to lean on and to help me to the next step.
Each day i gain the confidence not to look back on the past to things that shouldnt have mattered and to look forward to bigger and better things;and when i see myself thinking that way , it makes me smile to know that i've come this far and can go anywhere i want and nothing else would matter.

Forgive & Forget isn't so easy

I've been places
i've seen many faces
but none of them
make me smile, like you do.



It's a hard thing to just let go of someone and not talk to them i never realised how much you missed someone till they were gone and sometimes you wish you could have them back but on the other hand, everything happens for a reason .



maybe some things just werent meant to be.

My Lonestar

When the stars align

and i open my eyes

and i see your face

It makes me smile.

What i never really understood in life was what it felt like to be betrayed. You see people hurt all around you and you hurt for them and you wish you could take the pain away from them and seeing them hurt , makes you feel just as bad. But to feel it for yourself i dont know how you are supposed to cope with yourself.


I realized that if i had taken hold of what was right in front of me then this wouldnt of happened but i have never been that type of person i always seem to think that that person is going to be there forever and they are not. They move on and sometimes you have to move on also


I just wish that i could go back to the start
because right now i dread this feeling so much
and it hurts
and it wont go away

i'll smile and laugh all day long
but when the day ends and im alone
i am right back to where

I started.

and i want to cry but no tears will come, i want to sleep but i stay up all night going crazy, i want to speak to somebody but the words are stuck in my throat.

So I am sitting here ..waiting , for someone to come and save me.

Talk it through

It's good to talk about that thing that has been on your mind every day all day long. But when you are talking to that person what if it's not so much you want to say?


what if it's not enough?

WHO KNEW?

I was all wrong the knew better still you said forever and ever who knew. I keep you locked in my head until we meet again , until we , until we meet again. I wont forget you my friend. what happened. If someone said three years from now..

if someone said three years from now
you'd be long gone
i'd stand up an dpunch them out
cuz their all wrong
that last kiss
i'll cherish
until we meet agian
and time makes
it harder
i wish i could remember
but i keep your memories
you visit me in my sleep
my darling
who knew?

my darling,
i miss you



who knew?

“A Broken Heart”

When he talks about “to the heart” he says that even though some of us may look more beautiful or less attractive, more fragile, less human; we all have a heart and once it’s broken it’s a terrible thing to behold.
Because that doctor who always comes through isn’t going to be able to this time. A constructor or surgeon or magician they can fix things that are broken, they can put it back together. But for a broken heart, there is not bandage to help the pain go away or someone to put you back into one piece. There is not estimation time for when you will be back to normal or if you will ever make a full recovery.



It's the hardest thing to mend... a broken heart



You've dug into every book trying to help her
something to put them back,
into one piece
because if they lose them self , then so do you
and you couldn't ever imagine living without them

not in a million years
you break
too
knowing that.. you
cant do anything either
because you saw her heart broken years back

and your the one , who
mended her broken soul together again
all those years ago
you were her saviour
you protected her

But now,
you are the one
you have broken her
and to that
there is no solution
nothing you can do


and o how much you wished
you could fix her
but she was gone,
never to return

19 Minutes

I recently purchased the book 19 minutes. I thought it would be a good book because I loved her other ones, but when I finished it seemed so intense and it scared me. I didn’t know what to think of it. The bullying in it and the mentality of the main character (Peter); he found nothing wrong with killing those 10 people and it scared me that someone could seriously think this way. I didn’t understand the intensity of the book.
After I finished some parts I had to read them over because I couldn’t believe anything like it. Hearing about Columbine because I read the “ She said Yes” book some years back was a shocker in 6th grade. But the Judi Picoult book had a new openness to her book that I don’t think I was ready for. I became so upset at everything, thinking how could someone think this way? People who are bullying don’t realize what they are doing and so when I saw it in school or people gossiping it got me so upset.
The next day, after I read 19 Minutes, my english teacher talked about a student she once had that had stabbed someone and killed him. He had autism or something like it.. She had written a poem on him and everything about him and how he was. The murdering part of it, how unhappy they were, the fact that they took someone’s life was so extreme I wanted to cry. Instead I took a poem a wrote it about 19 minutes. About Peter getting revenge and the people in the book. Then she was talking about some english group for her friends story and the whole time i was about to explode i guess i just didn't realize that things happen like this. And not everywhere is a happy place and you can either sit back and let it happen or do something about.

I myself.. don't even know what i'm doing but i guess i'm still trying to figure it out.

I listened to the podcast of Judi PIcoult talking of the story of Judi Picoult and i realized that for some people school is hell on earth and sometimes we are at fault even if we dont know it.

Dreamland Baby

Sitting there
tapping my foot
listenin' to the music
nodding my head
dreamin off

things you couldn't imagine
because its not real to me

but at the moment
lets smile and hold hands
be together
and leave everything behind
because you and I are the only things that matter
and as far as I'm considered that's good enough
-RN

http://www.iwebmusic.com/code.php?tt=52774&lp=infinite&artist2=Maroon+5&title2=Marron+5+-+Makes+me+wonder

Trust

" Just hold my hand , and trust me to get me through the day. Tell me that you love me and our love won't fade away. Because i wouldnt want to lose you, not now, not ever.. i dont know what i'd do if we were ever severed."



Its all inside us. When we look around and see people with things. We want them sometimes so badly but we don't realize what we have. Sometimes you are so caught up in yourself you don't realize that you are hurting other people around you. In growing up I 've realized that you can never have everything you want. But you can get what you want and need by working hard.

It's the idea of having some things that really fascinates me. I don't even think that if i got them that it would make me feel complete. A lot of things make me feel complete and some people do to. Others know just how to make you feel like nothing..incomplete. Almost.

Today i watched a play and they asked have you ever been betrayed or hurt by a friend? I almost turned around to stare at that person who was right behind me but i caught myself. Somehow even tho i wanted to turn around so bad i sat there because looking at that person and letting them get embarrassed by everybody seeing that they weren't trust worthy just wasn't what i thought would be good. I had this feeling in my gut , i don't know what it was but it almost hurt knowing that someone had done that and still acted the same way and didn't change even though she had lost a friend.
Maybe i wasn't really a friend. Just a person she could find information about and take it and damage me with. I don't know what they were thinking its just told me that i cant trust any and anyone. So i closed myself off for a while. But i realized that even when your hurt you have to let the people who love you help and then you can get through it day by day.

A Night To Remember

A night to remember
When your soul could be lost
And everything you owned and loved torn away
With not one that could understand

Standing here
Staring there
Into the dusk

Holding the persimmon
Figuring what good it will bring
You take your backpack and begin a walk
Holding the persimmon for good luck

Beginning

There was a dream once where i was
standing in the ocean and i called out his name and nobody came? I kept on
calling and nobody would come. So i told my secret to those who didn't know me..
because they could listen better than those that did..