music music music

fix you by Coldplay came on and everytime I hear this song, I imagine myself saying and doing everything I was scared to do before. Winning that cross country race, telling the one guy that used to matter so much I felt, not turning my back on Lucien. As the chords rise and the words come, my heart fills with hope of what could have been. I wish myself back into the past:
'tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace, tears stream down your face, and I.."
When the last chords come around, and martin's voice quiets, i calm down down, I open my eyes, and remind myself what's done is done and forget about it for the time being.

hi. i miss you.

Today is the supposed sweet sixteen. I was supposed to go away with Lucien and friends for the weekend in New York, but my parents did not let me go. I would not have been upset if they wanted me stay so I could have a family day with them. What I did today was not even remotely close to fun. I woke up and it felt like any other day.

I woke up, went to the RMV in Leo's minster(i always say it like that , i dont know why.) It was 8:50 the place did not open for another ten minutes, yet there was 30 people in line already. I sat on the sidewalk, slapped on my shades, and opened Walden and began my dreaded summer reading. I lost concetration after the first page and stood against the light pole and put in my earphones.
I thought about this past year in school and how completely different it was from the one before it. When I think back to the first year, I get so mad at myself. I can't figure out how I was so stupid and screwed up my freshman year over .. well things that are not important anymore. I always always think about things before I do them when it comes to things like this. Yet, I just, saw it went for it and had no idea what I was doing. I promised myself to never to do it again, to apologize , make peace, change and I tried and I feel as if I was somewhat successful.
It is one of those things that I do not expect to happen to me again. When you like someone but you don't realize it how much, when all you used to do was think about them and smile and you heard yourself talking about them all the time and you could not stop. Even though you knew people would get annoyed because it was the only thing you could talk about. I cringe when I think about it, but this year I was laid back , did better in school, made more friends and actually got somewhere.
I applied for a summer program and I am off to D.C on the 12th. I am not excited, I never am about huge things like this. For other people, they would flip, and think it was the chance of a lifetime but situations like this do not make me happy. Simple things make me happy, like, Lucien. He makes me happy, when he calls at anytime to just hello, or tell me some random thing that was on his mind no matter how unimportant it is. I like the little things, like how he knew I would want a gift certificate to a book store than to go out to a fancy restaurant. Even though I had the worst birthday ever, his words when he rang the phone five minutes ago just made me smile. I sat reading on the steps and watched the phone ring for a few seconds before I picked it up. "hola,te echo de menos rachel,"he says. I smiled, looped the braid in my hair around my finger and said ' i miss you too.'

Stay With Me

It has been running through my head, the different ways that he would say it to me. I wondered what my reaction would be, would i scream, jump up and down, or even respond.
But it wasn't any of those, a couple of minutes after we had hung up the phone, he called right back and said: 'Rachel.. i think i love you.'
Never in my life had my heart been so calm, i closed my eyes, lifted my head up to the sky, feeling at peace with all around me.
In that moment, i let all my problems fall away and responded 'well that's a good thing, because I love you too.' The silence that followed i knew was a good one, i heard him take a deep breath and we both thought,
finally.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

I'm in love, and I wish someone would save me before I crash and burn.

Here and Now.

From my mind, sprout the wonders of my world
the eyes on his face, his shoulder against my back

a first step into the sanctuary,
I grasp a hand take a step, stop, think!
where do I go?
Forget that, I'm overthinking, deep breath I am almost there. A few more steps and welcome to the new world madame.

Pain does not come for a while, laughter, studio art, music fills my spirit, my being. I move with the paintbrush, laugh, smile look out the window at the sun and know these are the moments I will remember for a lifetime. Adele's voice comes through the speakers with such emotion ' from my hometown, memories are fresh, from my hometown oh the people that i've met. These are the wonders of my world, wonders of my world.'
We paint continuing to listen, the music bringing us closer together and still lost in our own thoughts, sadness breaks over as the chords of the piano roll over, what will ever do after this. Go on, here are the wonders of my world, I love them , have to keep going, once I stop I will not be able to start up again.

Back to the beginning or forward?

This weekend, it was great. It was his birthday and I had no idea what to get him, I had known him for more than half my life and I had no idea what to get him for his birthday.
We went out though, alone at last! It was bliss, to actually talk and feel with him and not be connected by the telephone but by our fingers, intertwined, and we had those moments where both of us thought 'this is how it is supposed to be.'
While walking with him I had an epiphany, ' he completes me.' It was not a realization that made me giddy or jump up and down because it had been building up for years and although I am extremely stubborn, I will not and cannot deny the fact of what he is to me. I held onto to him while I had him making each moment last, he loves the fact that I am independent but wants me to be in a relationship with him. The words are hanging in the air over us but he is doing this, having this "thing" so I can be happy. I however and making changes of my own, doing some of things he asked, telling him when I am upset instead of ignoring him. Talking to him about important situations instead of brushing them off and acting like I am fine. Even though I never did it before, I am letting him know in my own way that I need him just as much as he needs me.

Decisons, Precision and persimmons...

Decision making has never been my forte , at the least the decisions that matter. For example I was invited to the capital for a summer intership at the American International University , am I avoiding filling out the application ? Why yes I am , for what reason, I do not know.

I should also learn how to control my temper, Lucien said something to me and i became so upset that when I got back into the car i just threw the ring out of the window that he gave me. Now that I think it over I could have sold the ring and gotten so much money for it . He always gets me upset because I think everything he says hits so close to home. Precision.

The persimmons peom by Li Young Lee that i read years back came to me the other day. My mother bought some persimmons at the store, when i held them i remembered how he described how much they weighed and how it felt in his palm. 'ripe, plump' They were sweet, but not the gross type .. the good kind

Re-do

I met someone the other night..
He was beautiful and his dancing was amazing, and it was the same place i got involved with him exactly one year before. God knows I don't want to make the same mistakes, I know i shouldn't dwell on it. He's different though, he was softspoken and has a nice personality, and when I see him I want to smile , I came home and I wanted to do a happy dance around my room. Instead I lied in bed and looked at the moon outside my window, it was beautiful and hoped he was looking too, hoped he was thinking the same thing I was.

World splatter

Translations.... I've been thinking in French lately.

What I want.. is to see you in all your shining grace full of colors and smiles and hopes to fulfill me, for those nights to come when I know you wont be there
what I want..
what I want.. well , what I wanted never really mattered in the first place or did it?

D O N' T

Don't go
Don't leave me
Don't hold me down
let me be
don't love me
don't support me
I am own , let me be
don't talk to me
Don't smile at me
You don't understand
let me be
Don't look at me like that
I'm not what you want
I never can be
Let me be

Stay here with me tonight
Hold me close
Tomorrow we'll pretend...
that it never happened
and I'll want you to leave
even when my heart's begging for you not to
Don't stay here
don't hold me back
Don't tell me that you want me
or that you care
Leave... take my heart
it belongs to you

Take it, and let me be.

Mercy.

I just finished the book "Mercy' by Jodi Picoult. The character Jamie, says that in relationships it is always 70:30 , or 60:40. On person always loves the other more. His wife was terminally ill and could no longer take the pain so she asked him to smother her with a pillow. As he talked to his cousin's wife he said that he loved her so much he would have done anything she asked, even this. I realized then and there when I was reading this book , that with Lucien and I it had been a 60:40, i loved him more than he could ever know but I kept on pulling away because I knew that I was going to hurt him. I made myself seem as if I was the 40 because I loved him enough to let him go and find someone who he could be happy with. I believe that if you love someone enough you will not be selfish and do what is best for them. I could not be what he needed so i let him go. I could not continue to keep hurting him and seeing the pain in his eyes everytime i drew away. I convinced myself that what I was doing would work , and all needed to do was focus on school , and work and other things. Nobody understood why I did this to him , why I couldn't go forward. I myself I knew and I could not live with myself if I went forward with him and lived a lie.
Ihad dinner with him this past weekend , told him we should not be in a relationship that he deserved better. While I was telling him this he told me he did not want anyone else, my heart pounded and my hands clasped eachother as I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. I gave him a sad smile, and told him things had changed and that he and I did not want the same things. I looked down at my hand after that and played with the ring he had given me earlier. He got up to go to the bathroom and wrote down on napkin " The ring i've got , it's awesome. It reminds of you ,it's as if I have piece of you wherever I go. Thank you." I slipped it into the pocket of his jacket hanging on the chair and slipped out the door. I stood in the cold , rubbing my hands together thinking of what I should do next and where I would go from there.

truth.

I made some changes about myself over this summer. 3 months ago i was confused on who i was supposed to be and who everybody else wanted me to be and then on who I wanted to be. It confused me and i made mistakes that i should not have but in making those mistakes i have come to where i am today. So when i was asked today have you done anything in the past that ou wantedto take back, and if I regretted any of it. No , i don't i am forgiving myself for the things that i have done.
I have been afraid to trust , to put my heart on the line in so many different ways that it changed me to cold hearted person who could never express how I feel to the those who needed to hear it the most . So i reached that point in my life where I had to make that decison of who I wanted to be , I stepped forward and made a promise to myself and God that everything would be different. Yes, of course I was scared and yes i knew that it would be hard , but as i turned around i saw the eyes of those who would take care of me and be there if I never needed anything. It is then that i saw that I didn't need to do it all by myself. In realizing this I am changing and gaining knowledge and trying to rise above. As I came to the end of line I saw him there standing, watching, waiting and he simply stretched his hand forth, and as i fell into his arms i realized that he had been the one to always be there for me and I knew in that moment that no matter how much i hurt him he would never hurt me back. And as i whispered how scared how was he told me everything would work out.

So yes i have decided to take that chance and trust him and trust myself not to screw up this time. It is when we make this important changes in our lives that we realize who it is that really cares for us and yes maybe I will lose friends over it but me evolving is going to have such a better results then if I had kept on going in the direction I was headed. I cannot predict the future but i have a feeling that things are going to be better. Much better.

Thunderstorms

It's raining out. The children, afraid of the thunder and are blasting the television in hopes of drowning out its sound. I on the other like to sit out on my front steps and have a moment of peace. I'm thinking back to my wish to be kissed in the rain, how special the moment would be, standing in the quiet having that perfect moment. I know wishes do not always come true , but sometimes I just wish they did. Sometimes I wish I could be with him, and at other times I am happy for my freedom.

Someone to Love.

I have been reading this book about time and love. This woman waits for husband since she was six because he travels in time throughout her life and sees he grow and comes to know her. She waits for him, never knowing when he will come or what state of mind he will be in when he comes , but she knows he will come. She has already been promised love, unlike so many of us.
Life could be so much easier if we knew what our future held and everyday, I pretend to be deep into my work , studying working, when secretly, I want someone to love. I want that so much that on some days if I smile enough, and laugh at the right jokes and pretend that the materialistic objects are the only things that matter, I almost trick myself into believing that I am just fine and that I do not have a problem in the world. Almost.

Overcoming Someday

Sometimes i miss how easy life used to be. There weren't boys then it was just be and my friends and family. Then when i came to this school i like a guy full out in the open for the first time. I was always in open relationships most of the time because i didn't want to get hurt. I know it's cowardly but I have seen my mom , my sister , my friends get hurt in relationships and i did not want that to happen to me. So i always ended up finding something wrong with the person or being afraid to like them because i worried about what people would say.

But my heart it was hurting because I put myself out there and i allowed myself to like someone without worrying. In those months I was so happy , every single day seeing him , i would just smile. He is one of the nicest people I know, and I had so many long talks with him that I can't even remember what they were about. He gave me that comfortable feeling like he would protect and i guess i needed that . But when came down to it, a relationship was not what he wanted, he loved our friendship and me but not in that way. I saw myself with him all the time so it has been two months now and I don't think I will ever get over it but i am moving on.

In the beginning i was angry , upset and then my heart would hurt everytime i saw him but now i realize if i want the pain to go, then i must let him go.

My friend told that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional and i am trying to turn my wounds into wisdom but it's hard seeing him everyday. I would be so much easier if he didn't want to be such close friends but someday it will get better. It has to.

A Story

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can't come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don't go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy's supplications
and a father's love add up to silence

-Li Young Lee