say whaaat? it's muh my birthday?

The birthday was yesterday and all I wanted to do was to see my brothers again.

I was in NY and some friends were supposed to take me out, but as always they were running around doing something and I sat there waiting for two hours. Nothing ended up happening so I went to my aunt's house and I felt so at ease because I was with family.I took my baby cousins and sat out on the porch and watched the fireworks display. My baby cousin bounced in my lap screaming, " look waychel, fyawoks!" So I held him up in the air and felt the vibrations of his laughter rolling down into my fingers it all made me smile just for a while.

All I see is fireworks,
All I see is fireworks
Every night it's fireworks
Every night it's fireworks
All I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks
Taking off like oh-ah-oh-oh

old news I like to read

Radio: Hi, we’re back, this is radio KX and we’re here with Connor Oberst of the band Bright Eyes. How are you doing Connor?
Conor: Fine, thanks. Just a little wet.
Radio: Oh yeah, it’s still coming down out there.
Conor: Yeah, I sort of had to run from the car.
Radio: Well we are glad you made it. Now your new album, Fevers and Mirrors. Tell us a little bit about the title. I noticed there was a good deal of repeated imagery in the lyrics, fevers…..mirrors, scales, clocks. Could you discuss some of this?

Radio: So talk a little bit about some of the symbolism.
Conor: Well the fever is basically whatever ales you or oppresses you, it could be anything. In my case it’s my neurosis, my depression, but I don’t want to be limited to that. It’s certainly different for different people. It’s whatever keeps you up at night.
Radio: I see.
Conor: And then the mirror is like, as you might have guessed, self-examination or reflection or whatever form. This could be vanity or self-loathing. I don’t know, I’m guilty of both.
Radio: That’s interesting. How about the scale?
Conor: The scale is essentially our attempt to solve our problems quantitatively through logic or rationalization. In my opinion it’s often fruitless, but always, well not always. And the clocks and calendars... its just time, our little measurements. It’s like, it’s always chasing after us.
Radio: It is, it is. How about this Arienette, how does she fit in to all of this?
Conor: I’d prefer not talk about it, incase she’s listening.
Radio: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize she was a real person.
Conor: She’s not, I made here up.
Radio: Oh, so she’s not real?
Conor: Just as real as you or I.
Radio: I don’t think I understand.
Conor: neither do I, but after I grow up I will. I mean, you know what, a lot of things are really unclear for me right now.
Radio: That’s interesting. Now you mentioned your depression.
Conor: No I didn’t.
Radio: You’re from Nebraska. right?
Conor: Yeah, so?
Radio: Now let me know if I’m getting to personal, but there seams to be a pretty dark past back there somewhere. What was it like for you growing up?
Conor: Dark? Not really. Actually I had a great childhood. My parents were wonderful. I went to a catholic school. They have, I had money, so it was all easy. I basically had everything that I wanted anytime.
Radio: Really? So some of the references like babies in bathtubs are not biographical?
Connor: Well I did have a brother who died in a bathtub…drowned. I actually had five brothers that died that way.
Radio: (Chuckle)
Conor: No, I’m serious. My mother drowned one every year for five consecutive years. They were all named Patrick, so that’s, they all got one song. it’s sort of like walking out a door and discovering its a window.
Radio: But your music is certainly very personal.
Connor: Of course, I put a lot of myself into what I do. It’s like being an author, you have to free yourself to use symbolism and allegory to meet your goal. And part of that is compassion, empathy for other people and their situations. Some of what I sing about comes from other people’s experiences. It shouldn’t matter, the message is entitled to be universal.
Radio: I see what you mean.
Conor: Could you make that sound stop, please?
Radio: Yes. And your goal?
Conor: I don’t know. Create feelings I guess. A song never ends up the way you planned it.
Radio: That’s funny you’d say that, do you think that…
Conor: Do you ever hear things that aren’t really there?
Radio: I’m sorry, what?
Conor: Never mind. How long have you worked at this station?
Radio: Oh, just a few minutes. Now you mentioned empathy for others. Would you say that that motivates you to make the music that you make?
Conor: No, not really. It’s more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like to feel the burn of the audience’s eyes on me when I’m revealing all my darkest secrets into the microphone. When I was a kid I used to carry a safety pin around with me every where I went in my pocket, and when people weren’t paying enough attention to me, I’d dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter. I guess, I guess I kind of liked that.
Radio: Really, you’re telling me that you’re doing all of this for attention?
Conor: No, I hate it when people look at me, I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less what people think about me. Do you feel that?
Radio: No, I feel sick.
Conor: I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours all over everyone.
Radio: So you’re going to play something for us now? Is this a new song?
Connor: Yeah, but I haven’t written it yet. It’s one I’ve been meaning to write called A Song to Pass the Time.
Radio: Oh, that’s a nice title.
Connor: You should write your own scripts.
Radio: Yeah, I know.

and maybe it isn't so bad after all.

jalapeno peppers

1.My life could not function without post-it notes.
2. I hate jalapeno peppers
3. I want junior year to be over
4. I miss my brothers
5. I wish I made better decisions
6. I need to stop sassing people so much
As opportunities to leave these five towns draws near, I look into the future optimistic; something that is definitely rare for me. Sometimes I sit there and imagine opening a response from a college and crying because I am so happy; then I remember that I am not there yet. A part of me still hope that it is going to be like that though.

It's all about the music baby..

I had my first Jazz Concert at school the other day. I was so unbelievably nervous but then Mike Sweeney strolled in. He told me to relax and laughed at how nervous I was. I sat backstage with him and followed everything the band was doing, moving my hands like I was the conductor. When I walked onto the stage the lights blinded me and did not recognize anybody in the crowd. I repeated to myself "it's all about the rhythm Rachel, you got this." As soon as Mr. Miller nodded we started playing and my fingers took on a life of their own; and for the first time, in a long time, nothing else mattered, except for that moment.
I think the highlight of it all was when Chris Coyne saw me the next day and told me that I did amazing. To receive a compliment from someone who has accomplished so much musically, was just ... moving.

I'm Gonna Make It

It didn't work out. Somehow I knew that it was not going to go my way.

Sanders Bohlke's music has been with me this past month, his voice expresses everything and relieves any tension that I am feeling. I have only been to one concert and Sanders Bohlke is going to be my second <3

SAT's this weekend. Lord help me.

Life has been moving so quickly lately and people are coming and going from my life. Somehow I am still me and that makes me feel somewhat alright. I know things are going to get better because I'm gonna make it happen. Big bro , I wish you could see me now. I 'm all grown up...

Commence vie numero deux.

Boston is growing on me. It took nine years but I definitely understand why so many people adore it. Driving in the town is horrible but the city has a welcomed craziness to it that my town lacks.

I was playing a tennis match against someone today and Mrs. Getchell shouted, ' yeah rachh!' My parents are never here to see me play and the other grown ups don't know how much I sucked last year. It felt good to see a familiar face there,smiling, rooting me on.

My parents have not returned because of the volcano ash spreading through Europe. How lovely. This week has not been really all that exciting and I don't suspect it's going to get any better.

artist of the week/month: sanders bohlke.

p.s. : the first song on my playlist is a guilty pleasure, takes my back to the days when hip hop wasn't the garbage it is now.

Teens are like Africa

This week started out stressful but a film in English, "Merchants of Cool" and someone has made me smile so much ! :) The film is about advertising in America and it was made almost a decade ago but it is hilarious. We discussed afterwards whether Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera was a better artist. When my teacher said he'd rather bang is head through a glass window than listen to either one of them there was an uproar (my class is basically all girls.) Even though he is sometimes a douche , my teacher is really funny.

Anyways, the sunlight lately has put me in a better mood; then I think of tennis season coming up and my happy mood goes away. I love tennis but the team is nothing like basketball teams. They are constantly competing and sneering, and some of them making stupid jokes that are not funny. They call coach names behind her back, and maybe if they were at least a bit funny I wouldn't mind but they are straight up rude. There is something about being out on the basketball court with a team and supporting someone even if they make a mistake. Tennis isn't like that, at all. Who knows maybe this year will be better..
Yesterday I went for a two mile run with my sister and the neighbor. They stopped running after two minutes because they were texting. The text said and I qoute " How the f*** can you just stop liking someone, we have been through so much together, I love him." I laughed out loud when I read this, this girl is only thirteen years old, she has no idea what she is talking about. When I was in eighth grade it was not like that, I don't know what is going on with kids today

Olympics are on, can't talk.

Anyone who watches me when I watch the Olympics would think I'm crazy. Yesterday I was perched on the stool, clutching an apple watching a 19 year old ice skater boy from Canada. I was mesmerized by his energy and how and the crowd was screaming for him and then he didn't land the triple axel and landed on his butt. And I shouted and fell off the stool. He obviously couldn't stop right after that, he knew it was over for him and to make it worse the crowd did a collective groan to show their agony over his mistake. It is just sad to know these people have been working a majority of their lives to get where they are and one slip or mistake can ruin it all for them.

SHAUN WHITE. His snowboarding was amazing, I had to do a fist pump for his performance. He was the last person to go for the second performance and he saw that no matter what he did he would win the gold; his excitement, his happiness in that moment, I hope I do something one day that will make me as happy as that.

Don't Rain on My Parade

I didn't ! I did. I cannot believe I actually said that. Sometimes I wish someone would tell me to just shut up already.

I wouldn't mind.
really.


So history today, the boys told me I was making a mistake. Should I really be taking advice from them? Well they have good judgment... most of the time, and the one that I expected the most out of let me down a bit. Now I just do not know what to think of it.

Chico is repainting the house in green. He told me that magenta was a color for a clown house or a little girl and started shouting at me in Italian. The furniture is pushed to the corner of the room and the house is in a disarray, but I love it. It makes things seem more real when everything is different like this.
Chico's wife is now into Adele, I told her she should listen to music like that while drinking tea. It's unbelievably relaxing.

missing something.

So I am sitting here at the Y and I am watching this guy, Ryan paint and he is amazing. He paints, does chalk drawings, charcoal, you name it, he does it. So why is he here? He is a bit of a loner and was planning on college, but when the subject arises all he ever says is " it just didn't work out." What didn't just work out? I wish I knew someone who I could show his paintings to , so that someone outside of the Y could see how skilled he is. He is good around kids and he obviously wants more than this. He has a kind spirit and deserves better than this . When I see him hunched over a canvas painting the same spot over and over again, striving for perfection, I realize that this is his dream , I just wish there was some way i could help him be happy.
I could be judging and he could already be happy, he says he is fine but his eyes say something completely different.

Grey's Anatomy last night was good, better than it had been in a while. Cristina talked about her past relationship and said that he wanted her to be something she was not. The more he asked the more she gave, he took little pieces of her until she didn't realize that she had changed. When I heard her say those words and I thought of myself and how much I had changed because of him and I honestly had no idea what to think of myself.
Songs that have been with me through the week are Wish You Well - Katie Herzig and Make You Feel My Love -Adele

Just write.

"You guys want to be grown, but enjoy the time you have. Don't wish your life away, it'll be gone and you'll wonder what the hell happened."
" I am like a 50 year old man living inside of an 18 year old's body."
-Tyler Wiseman

When I first met this guy, I honestly didn't expect anything from him but seven months later I realized he has good in him and he keeps the class laughing...or he keeps our corner of the class laughing.

I came into to school this morning with three hours of sleep and I was absolutely miserable but a thank you goes to jakeee for making me smile :)

Yesterday I was upset and the only way I knew I would feel better was if I called him and could not remember when I had allowed myself to be so dependent on someone to make me happy. I have changed, and I am so proud.

my favorite passage of the day is from http://www.mindoverclutter.com/dumpyour.htm :


Dump Your Brain Clutter
by Janet L. Hall

Marcus Aurelius said, "A man's life is what his thoughts make of it." Think about this for a moment..Interesting, isn't it?

As you awake in the morning, your mind races ahead of your body with all kinds of * stuff * pouring in and out. All your thoughts, ideas, chores, and worries that you might have.

No wonder you're tired before your feet even hit the ground. Before you realize it, you're up and running here, running there, going through your morning, unaware of how you even apply the toothpaste on your brush or what body parts you wash first. All the while, stuff is pouring into your head from everywhere, ideas, chores, appointments, commitments, relationships, conversations, past events, the future. This self-talk, we all have it. Random thoughts: worries, fears, negativity, frustration, happiness, joy, freedom, inspiration, and light bulb ideas.

Oh, and the nighttime thoughts that keep you from falling asleep; sleep you so badly need and yearn for. The tossing and turning because you can't seem to shut off the clutter of self-talk that invades your brain, such as the got to do's, forgot to do's, want to do's and could haves, and should haves.

Whatever is bouncing around in your head and heart, let it flow from your pen, dumping your "brain clutter" onto paper. Don't think about what you're writing, don't stop to analyze your words, to plan, to prioritize, if it can be or can't be accomplished, undone, or changed. Just write.

Freak out.

So this past week was so stressful,BUT everything actually ended up going really well. I think I used up all my luck though, I freaked out every day and started to late on way too many things. . I am never procrastinating as much as I did this week ever again.

I am looking forward to: half days. french midterm. weekends in new york. driving myself to go shopping. my summer program in CT! Seeing my brothers again.
not looking forward to: SAT's. AP Tests. Chemistry midterm. Beginning of Tennis Season.
I just watched Ugly Betty and I heard this song The New Pornographers, "Adventures In Solitude" and I loved it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Oh my goodness. I have a french speaking midterm tomorrow, I did not know about it. Yeah when did Madame Scarsella tell us this?
English group project due on Friday---> SO SCREWED.
Chemistry test.
History Test.
Shit. Shit....SHIT.

My brothers just spent the last weekend with their friends and family before leaving. Everyone passed by hugged and talked excitedly. My brothers were saying goodbye and he sat across the room and just staring. I was overwhelmed with how much I was losing all at once and excused myself before anyone could see me cry.
I heard the door open and I turned around and he stood waiting against the wall, " I don't know what to do," I began. " I know," he said. He wrapped his arms around me and I held on because in all my life a hug had never been so fortifying or felt so good.


Pleasure turns to the pain
lessons learned from the strain
questions burned in my brain..
about whether love is humane
in its touch.
these thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream
in the tears of your deceit.
fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos
of our intertwined emotions.
chaotic because the anchor of Error's arrow has been plucked
from the vessel of my undying infatuation
separation not as simple as the distance between us
my mind no longer possessed by demons
that have been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
the seeds of these lies rooted so deeply
they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared
allowing the faith in us i had sealed inside
to gush out like a river
ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts
as violently and as brutally as if it were a child
being taken from its mothers arms
I'm left surrounded in darkness
but i refuse to be swallowed by it
my loneliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
it is cold comfortableness
yet if i could do it all over again
id do it in the same skin I'm in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie?
no, no..not i
id stay around and let love fly
even though i have seen its darkest form
deceit
nothing else could taste this warm
or feel this sweet...
(ATL)

this is my winter song to you.

A friend of the family was at the house today. When she saw me she shouted "Rachel! look at how you've grown." I smiled and thought how I heard the same comment everyday. She knocked on my door later and let herself in. She somehow saw herself as the bigger sister that Sasha failed to be. I did not see it that way, at all. Anyways I was sowing and I placed it down and asked her if something was wrong. "Nope," she replied. See I thought that would be the end of the conversation but she stood there so I sighed and said, "Why don't you come in?" She sat on the bed, and got comfortable and I looked out the window and waited for her to speak.

" SO.. I noticed everyone is downstairs and you have been up here all day."
inside my head: oh goodness, this is gonna take a while
"Oh, well I just like quiet time, that's all."
"Well, tell me about yourself. Do you have a boyfriend?"
mmh. no, i dumped him and he hates me and i'm alone, but that isn't what she wants to hear.
"I sure do! He's great."
"Well what about your friends, who do you hang out with from school?"
I hardly have any really. What does that say about me. Why am I by myself?
" I've got some, they're great. Maybe you'll meet them sometime."
"I'm so glad to hear it hon, I was worried about you for a second."
Oh no need to be worried Ms. K , I do the worrying all by myself, bottled up inside. God knows , I wish I knew how to handle it. But you wouldn't want to hear that either.
"Don't be silly, everything is great. I'm fine."

Yeah I'm fine. Just fine.


Yesterday we had to watch some war movie in history, and I couldn't handle it. Every bomb that went off, every mom that broke down when she heard her son was dead, made me think about my pain. And when I couldn't handle it anymore I left class, I ran to the bathroom and saw the tears in my eyes and noticed how i couldn't keep my hands from shaking. I bit my tongue and made myself stop. I looked myself in the mirror and made myself forget again. I went to back to class and studied for chemistry instead. My teacher asked if I was alright, and I smiled and told him I was fine. If anyone had looked in my eyes at the moment they would have realized that I was lying, and I was nowhere near fine.