ma ligne de chance

ah, oui
pierrot le fou has taken over my winter
college is around over there             somewhere
vacation. wharold- j'ai vu ce que t'avait ecrit. tu me manques garcon

what is it that i want
to do, accomplish.
yoga ladies say breathe, focus on that
mais ma tete, ne peut pas


ici
les aventures d'une fille folle.

aussi, l'universite m'a dit
oui.

ringing it in.

"hahahha you are such a bitch rachel, you can't say that ."
i don't mean to be, i need to filter. i hate the fact that i don't. am I really honest or rude or both?



alex is leaving for brazil but I can't see him until he comes back next year; he's me best fraynd and i'm gonna find out whether I got into college december 25 and he won't be here for me to talk to. What am I gonna do?
et alone i am again.

B&n2

b&n round 2 , tori parham
smells of cough-ee
hershey kiss
give me something nice
writing..
--
poetry?  hah! no, a critque.
but alas, the confusion has settled in
and i am more afraid
then anything
because what happens
if i ruin it?
      

intoxicated.

I love the chase; the journey to get what I want. There are always ups and downs but i keep going because i want to have fun. This one has been going on a while and I'm almost there. I have this feeling that it's gonna be so sweet,
like a kiss
on a collarbone.

bitchin'

Yeah so the boy I like is white. Big fucking deal.  It's how I feel , it's (he's) what I want.  Why do they care so much?

On the upside, senior year has been pretty great. Wachusett isn't the best but it's growing on me.

                                                                                   ♥

I LOVE COLLEGE.

naht. but asher roth is kind of hot in that video.

FINISHED ALL MY COLLEGE SHIT SAY WHAAAAAAT. I want to go to a dance party and just be so happy cause i'm done with stresssss. oh homecoming is this weekend? SENIORSSS 11!!

disappointment,

I shouldn't care; but I do , and it hurts.

i'd prefer not to.

and to emilaaay g, thanks for listening.

getsome. and then ..

Wally had this dream about this kid and me. I don't even know what to say about it but it's been on my mind. Lalala you've been on my mind oh boy.
I sassed Thaddeus today when he told me texting and driving was bad then he asked me if people text in class and i was gave him a sad look , "Thaddeus I know you're a teacher at a school and you're probably a good  one but most people text even if it's not important, don't take it personally."
Then he said " well if i could have  gotten away with playing Tetris in highschool I would've..."
"Thaddeus what's Tetris?"
"um.. nothing , I guess I'm getting old.."

Ah, my generation.

all over again.

I picked her up from school and she got in the car and said plainly "Mrs. -- is dying." Then she changed the subject and continued talking as if what she said wasn't important. Fuck, just damn it. The doctors said that she'd pulled through; They said she was getting better, now she's dying. In middle school she gave out these inspirational quotes and she had such a positive spirit that you couldn't help but smile. I lost someone this past month and I thought no more bad things would happen for a while; sometimes life is just complete shit but after a while it gets better , this is not better. Not at all. 

 

stay gold ponyboy, stay gold

I've got things to say, so many things but they're mostly complaints so upside of life lately... Class trip option with an overnight stay sounds pretty awesome; Thaddeus wants me to play at a Jazz Bar and I'm scared but excited; I like my senior photos; tutoring; the fam's getting back together.

All this college work and life planning makes me think of seventh grade where i would come home and just read for hours on my bed and fall asleep with a book in my hands. The list of books I want to read is piling up, I want there to be more time in each day..

Music love: Mr. Bernard's been playing songs in bio while we do labs and I'm starting to love 50's & 60's music all over again.
Little Richard- Tutti Frutti

gros bisous.

Des choses.
1.  chuck lorre productions- he has a little "dear diary" letter after every show he creates finishes on cbs, I have tivo so I finally caught it and read it. He's funny.
2. college apps- they suck but it is kind of exciting and cool to picking out my future.
3. piano- music theory class plus jazz lessons
4. waaally @ school and catch up sessions with lucena.

5. dancing barefoot in the streets of princeton . 

Slate passed away two weeks ago. My parents went down to Jamaica for the funeral and I just remember him as this strong man who was the head of the family that kept us all going. He used to have this farm tucked away on the east side of St. Ann. When all of his kids moved away he started selling the animals and the land and now only the sugar cane fields and one cow remain. I got scared after he died, I thought the whole family would fall apart; greed would take over and everyone would bring up the past and act like wild animals fighting for who gets what and who has the right.
My mum came back different, she had all these new ideas of what we should do as a family.
I gave her this look, the one where I smile and nod at an idea but I know it won't happen and it makes me hurt inside. Everyone who's listening knows that it's just talk but we chime in and say " yeah, that sounds real nice," anyways.

 I went for a two hour walk through my neighborhood ,  Fall in Massachusetts is damn beautiful. I took cell pics though so it kind of sucks.

Latest quote par ma cherie, Valentine Minickes:

"I try to listen to my heart Rachel, but I feel as though I am deaf. That is correct english no?"


haha, yess love my girl!
--

I just logged onto my facebook and on my news feed there was some 13 year girl arguing that people should not be making a big deal out of September 11, because it was nine years ago and  how everyone should be over it. I really just wonder sometimes, and to make it worst people tried to reason with her and she just flipped out and cursed and couldn't spell at all. Ignorant people are pathetic.
it
my new french obsession is Benjamin Siksou. Watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oyb4FhmZeS8

c'est vrai.

"Rien est trop difficle pour la jeunesse. "
-Socrates.

Pysched right now. Wrote an email a couple of days ago to Sanders Bohlke's manager and he actually responded. He might come up for a show up north. YESSSSSSS.

OUAISSSS!

Ethics has potential to be an okay class.

frenchclass. soo classic. je l'adore, specialment M. Monahan , il est trop mignon!

the word love is so over used that it doesn't hold enough meaning for me. J'ai trop ardeur pour mes amis de Yale. The french always say it better. skype skype SKYPE.

I get sad sometimes because I know I won't be going to faraway places like Norway or Venezuela to see some of them; but MAY '11 Italy and Paris reunion and I'll stay there until college, I can't wait :)!!

When we would all go to lunch or hang out on the quad we didn't gossip. We taught each other different words and talk about what we did differently. We talked about the stereotypes that we had for each other's countries and laughed our asses off at how dumb they sounded. These talks were different from what I'm usually surrounded by and . Maybe we were more honest with eachother and vulnerable because we knew it was only a month of living with each other.

For me, if the only thing that two people can talk about is gossip when they are around each other then they aren't really friends and this weird feeling comes over me when it happens sometimes. I fall out of touch with people I've known for years and it seems like gossip is the only thing that holds us together and I hate that. I can go to school with someone for a whole year and only see tiny glimpses of who they really are and what they are really about. It takes so long to understand someone and back there, it was completely the opposite. Maybe it's too much to ask..

School is the polar opposite of what I want, plus I have summer reading. I just feel like a whole bunch of shit is coming my way and there is nothing i can do to stop it. PUTAIN.

Attend! non reste-ici , je t'aime

It's over and I can't stop crying. Last night when we were all outside until dawn saying goodbye I watched as people kissed and cried as some left for early flights. Then as soon as Nicolas got up to go I couldn't keep it together. As soon as they stepped out the gates , Louis and others lit up their cigarettes for the first time in three weeks and the crowd cheered. It was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to let go of everything that I had been holding back. Those of us that remained held on to eachother silently trying to take it all in. The depressing part is that some of us won't see eachother for years. People are from Venezuela, italy , mexico, France , all over and we've lived with each other for a month. Tomorrow morning Valentine's phone will not play wavin flag to wake us up for the shower, tomorrow Come will not say a sly remark in french across the class to me, tomorrow every single one of us will be back home, alone and it makes me want to curl up in my bed and not come out. I am never this open but after meeting these people who kiss you good morning on the cheeks and speak their thoughts with no hesitation, I don't care anymore.

On the last night we all came together and the performing arts classes showed us their pieces.
Everyone sang along with the band to Hotel California, as the song ended there was a moment where we realized that this song would remind of our time here and the people we met and that we'd never forget.

Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel california
Any time of year, you can find it here


Vous me manquez...Esperons que nous reverrons un jour. l'amour à tous!

-Rachelle.

won't you come stay a while love ?

Here, is all about being in the moment, having fun with people because you enjoy their company. I laugh and learn so much; everything is so rushed and relaxed at the same time.
Happiness.
The kind where you laugh so hard that you almost have to go potty; where that warm feeling spreads from your chest to your arms and face ; where you speak to someone with your eyes and smile at the same time.
The thing is sometimes I am scared that when I go back to school, all this warmth is going to go away and I will be just as lost as before.

yale..hola, bonjour, hi, si jambo,

im at yale for some of the summer for a program. there are people from all over the world at program which is really great. the french boys are amazing. I'll say "Bonjour" and they'll turn their face and then i remebered i was supposed kiss them on both cheeks . They are lovely, everyone here is meeting people and I am so happy to be away from homeee. Plus my pysch classes are wondrufulll =). There are trips every weekend and I am going paintballing for the first time in my life tomorrow. This place brings out a different side of me..
bon soir, je pars a huit heures demain..

When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a waving flag

"oh, wow" - Cassie.

mother quote:
"Rachel where are you all going?"
" movies to see that twilight movie"
" is that a joke? You all are going to waste your money on some rubbish film. It looks stupid, plus that boy looks like he is constipated all the time. None of them can act"
" Thanks for that mother"
"Anytime"


Brought my sister to go see Eclipse for her birthday. I fell asleep halfway through it but for the hour I was up, it was not that painful to watch . My neighbor was all " you're conforming to society Rachel.." and I said I wasn't , first of all I can't say a movie sucks unless I watch it, plus who gives a shit if I watch it? It's not like I'm freaking about it. I'm also going to watch it so that when Harry Potter comes out in a couple of months I can watch it and truly say HP was a million times better.

When Rebekah introduced me to the book five years ago during MCAS (shit that was soo long ago) I was obsessed. Now when I think about it , when I am thirty or older they are going to say that a movie that everyone liked when I was young was "Twilight" and that just all around sucks.
---

My sisters would not stop screaming about Eclipse on the car ride back home. Malkia just kept on going " oh my gooood, Rachel you HAVE to take to me to that creepy goth store to get a team jacob shirt. Did you see him with his shirt off, because I did! Talk about sexy, God I am just freaking out right now. As soon as the DVD comes out I am going to buy it, and the pause it when Jacob comes on shirtless and just stare at him for like..EVER!"

The music was pretty good, maybe I'll get some of the songs. I felt pretty smart because recognized some of the artists..

-Shout out and thanks to Sasha Pacek for introducing me to Florence + the machines and my sister Sasha for giving the black keys cd and JT for the Bands of Horses music when we were freshmann !
----
Also I watched this British show called Skins on youtube. It's dramatic and unrealistic and depicts teenage life as this constant party; but it was extremely entertaining. I find myself imitating the accents when I talk, it's kind of funny.

Teens are like Africa

*I wrote this a couple of months ago.

This week started out stressful but a film in English, "Merchants of Cool" and someone has made me smile so much ! :) The film is about advertising in America and it was made almost a decade ago but it is hilarious. We discussed afterwards whether Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera was a better artist. When my teacher said he'd rather bang is head through a glass window than listen to either one of them there was an uproar (my class is basically all girls.) Even though he is sometimes a douche , my teacher is really funny.

Anyways, the sunlight lately has put me in a better mood; then I think of tennis season coming up and my happy mood goes away. I love tennis but the team is nothing like basketball teams. They are constantly competing and sneering, and some of them making stupid jokes that are not funny. They call coach names behind her back, and maybe if they were at least a bit funny I wouldn't mind but they are straight up rude. There is something about being out on the basketball court with a team and supporting someone even if they make a mistake. Tennis isn't like that, at all. Who knows maybe this year will be better..
Yesterday I went for a two mile run with my sister and the neighbor. They stopped running after two minutes because they were texting. The text said and I qoute " How the f*** can you just stop liking someone, we have been through so much together, I love him." I laughed out loud when I read this, this girl is only thirteen years old, she has no idea what she is talking about. When I was in eighth grade it was not like that, I don't know what is going on with kids today

B&N makes me oh so happy.

So what did I ask for a birthday present from three people? Gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. I spent three hours in there yesterday and I absolutely loved it. I went throughout different sections in the store and picked up twenty books. My favorite corner is the one near the Starbucks; it's farthest from the childrens section and the smell of the coffee relaxes me. When I took breaks from reading, I peeked around the corner to see who else was so engrossed in their book that they weren't paying attention to anything else. Lucien kept calling me a nerd and said he wanted to do something else. It irked me how different how interests are, so to take my mind off of the fact I told him to go look for a book I would like. Instead he found this bag; I love it.















On a side note, it has taken me so long to realize that our interests and goals are barely similar. I love reading, and spending time alone, playing sports and relaxing with my family; he does not do any of that. When I said I was looking at colleges in Canada, Washington D.C, and Georgia ( basically all over), all he said was "why?" He doesn't understand my reasoning but I'm glad that I am finally branching out and nobody not even him is going to keep me from leaving. I don't care if it's selfish, it's SUMMER 2010, I have my last year ahead of me and I am going to enjoy myself. ALLONS-Y! =)

say whaaat? it's muh my birthday?

The birthday was yesterday and all I wanted to do was to see my brothers again.

I was in NY and some friends were supposed to take me out, but as always they were running around doing something and I sat there waiting for two hours. Nothing ended up happening so I went to my aunt's house and I felt so at ease because I was with family.I took my baby cousins and sat out on the porch and watched the fireworks display. My baby cousin bounced in my lap screaming, " look waychel, fyawoks!" So I held him up in the air and felt the vibrations of his laughter rolling down into my fingers it all made me smile just for a while.

All I see is fireworks,
All I see is fireworks
Every night it's fireworks
Every night it's fireworks
All I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks
Taking off like oh-ah-oh-oh

old news I like to read

Radio: Hi, we’re back, this is radio KX and we’re here with Connor Oberst of the band Bright Eyes. How are you doing Connor?
Conor: Fine, thanks. Just a little wet.
Radio: Oh yeah, it’s still coming down out there.
Conor: Yeah, I sort of had to run from the car.
Radio: Well we are glad you made it. Now your new album, Fevers and Mirrors. Tell us a little bit about the title. I noticed there was a good deal of repeated imagery in the lyrics, fevers…..mirrors, scales, clocks. Could you discuss some of this?

Radio: So talk a little bit about some of the symbolism.
Conor: Well the fever is basically whatever ales you or oppresses you, it could be anything. In my case it’s my neurosis, my depression, but I don’t want to be limited to that. It’s certainly different for different people. It’s whatever keeps you up at night.
Radio: I see.
Conor: And then the mirror is like, as you might have guessed, self-examination or reflection or whatever form. This could be vanity or self-loathing. I don’t know, I’m guilty of both.
Radio: That’s interesting. How about the scale?
Conor: The scale is essentially our attempt to solve our problems quantitatively through logic or rationalization. In my opinion it’s often fruitless, but always, well not always. And the clocks and calendars... its just time, our little measurements. It’s like, it’s always chasing after us.
Radio: It is, it is. How about this Arienette, how does she fit in to all of this?
Conor: I’d prefer not talk about it, incase she’s listening.
Radio: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize she was a real person.
Conor: She’s not, I made here up.
Radio: Oh, so she’s not real?
Conor: Just as real as you or I.
Radio: I don’t think I understand.
Conor: neither do I, but after I grow up I will. I mean, you know what, a lot of things are really unclear for me right now.
Radio: That’s interesting. Now you mentioned your depression.
Conor: No I didn’t.
Radio: You’re from Nebraska. right?
Conor: Yeah, so?
Radio: Now let me know if I’m getting to personal, but there seams to be a pretty dark past back there somewhere. What was it like for you growing up?
Conor: Dark? Not really. Actually I had a great childhood. My parents were wonderful. I went to a catholic school. They have, I had money, so it was all easy. I basically had everything that I wanted anytime.
Radio: Really? So some of the references like babies in bathtubs are not biographical?
Connor: Well I did have a brother who died in a bathtub…drowned. I actually had five brothers that died that way.
Radio: (Chuckle)
Conor: No, I’m serious. My mother drowned one every year for five consecutive years. They were all named Patrick, so that’s, they all got one song. it’s sort of like walking out a door and discovering its a window.
Radio: But your music is certainly very personal.
Connor: Of course, I put a lot of myself into what I do. It’s like being an author, you have to free yourself to use symbolism and allegory to meet your goal. And part of that is compassion, empathy for other people and their situations. Some of what I sing about comes from other people’s experiences. It shouldn’t matter, the message is entitled to be universal.
Radio: I see what you mean.
Conor: Could you make that sound stop, please?
Radio: Yes. And your goal?
Conor: I don’t know. Create feelings I guess. A song never ends up the way you planned it.
Radio: That’s funny you’d say that, do you think that…
Conor: Do you ever hear things that aren’t really there?
Radio: I’m sorry, what?
Conor: Never mind. How long have you worked at this station?
Radio: Oh, just a few minutes. Now you mentioned empathy for others. Would you say that that motivates you to make the music that you make?
Conor: No, not really. It’s more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like to feel the burn of the audience’s eyes on me when I’m revealing all my darkest secrets into the microphone. When I was a kid I used to carry a safety pin around with me every where I went in my pocket, and when people weren’t paying enough attention to me, I’d dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter. I guess, I guess I kind of liked that.
Radio: Really, you’re telling me that you’re doing all of this for attention?
Conor: No, I hate it when people look at me, I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less what people think about me. Do you feel that?
Radio: No, I feel sick.
Conor: I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours all over everyone.
Radio: So you’re going to play something for us now? Is this a new song?
Connor: Yeah, but I haven’t written it yet. It’s one I’ve been meaning to write called A Song to Pass the Time.
Radio: Oh, that’s a nice title.
Connor: You should write your own scripts.
Radio: Yeah, I know.

and maybe it isn't so bad after all.

jalapeno peppers

1.My life could not function without post-it notes.
2. I hate jalapeno peppers
3. I want junior year to be over
4. I miss my brothers
5. I wish I made better decisions
6. I need to stop sassing people so much
As opportunities to leave these five towns draws near, I look into the future optimistic; something that is definitely rare for me. Sometimes I sit there and imagine opening a response from a college and crying because I am so happy; then I remember that I am not there yet. A part of me still hope that it is going to be like that though.

It's all about the music baby..

I had my first Jazz Concert at school the other day. I was so unbelievably nervous but then Mike Sweeney strolled in. He told me to relax and laughed at how nervous I was. I sat backstage with him and followed everything the band was doing, moving my hands like I was the conductor. When I walked onto the stage the lights blinded me and did not recognize anybody in the crowd. I repeated to myself "it's all about the rhythm Rachel, you got this." As soon as Mr. Miller nodded we started playing and my fingers took on a life of their own; and for the first time, in a long time, nothing else mattered, except for that moment.
I think the highlight of it all was when Chris Coyne saw me the next day and told me that I did amazing. To receive a compliment from someone who has accomplished so much musically, was just ... moving.

I'm Gonna Make It

It didn't work out. Somehow I knew that it was not going to go my way.

Sanders Bohlke's music has been with me this past month, his voice expresses everything and relieves any tension that I am feeling. I have only been to one concert and Sanders Bohlke is going to be my second <3

SAT's this weekend. Lord help me.

Life has been moving so quickly lately and people are coming and going from my life. Somehow I am still me and that makes me feel somewhat alright. I know things are going to get better because I'm gonna make it happen. Big bro , I wish you could see me now. I 'm all grown up...

Commence vie numero deux.

Boston is growing on me. It took nine years but I definitely understand why so many people adore it. Driving in the town is horrible but the city has a welcomed craziness to it that my town lacks.

I was playing a tennis match against someone today and Mrs. Getchell shouted, ' yeah rachh!' My parents are never here to see me play and the other grown ups don't know how much I sucked last year. It felt good to see a familiar face there,smiling, rooting me on.

My parents have not returned because of the volcano ash spreading through Europe. How lovely. This week has not been really all that exciting and I don't suspect it's going to get any better.

artist of the week/month: sanders bohlke.

p.s. : the first song on my playlist is a guilty pleasure, takes my back to the days when hip hop wasn't the garbage it is now.

Teens are like Africa

This week started out stressful but a film in English, "Merchants of Cool" and someone has made me smile so much ! :) The film is about advertising in America and it was made almost a decade ago but it is hilarious. We discussed afterwards whether Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera was a better artist. When my teacher said he'd rather bang is head through a glass window than listen to either one of them there was an uproar (my class is basically all girls.) Even though he is sometimes a douche , my teacher is really funny.

Anyways, the sunlight lately has put me in a better mood; then I think of tennis season coming up and my happy mood goes away. I love tennis but the team is nothing like basketball teams. They are constantly competing and sneering, and some of them making stupid jokes that are not funny. They call coach names behind her back, and maybe if they were at least a bit funny I wouldn't mind but they are straight up rude. There is something about being out on the basketball court with a team and supporting someone even if they make a mistake. Tennis isn't like that, at all. Who knows maybe this year will be better..
Yesterday I went for a two mile run with my sister and the neighbor. They stopped running after two minutes because they were texting. The text said and I qoute " How the f*** can you just stop liking someone, we have been through so much together, I love him." I laughed out loud when I read this, this girl is only thirteen years old, she has no idea what she is talking about. When I was in eighth grade it was not like that, I don't know what is going on with kids today

Olympics are on, can't talk.

Anyone who watches me when I watch the Olympics would think I'm crazy. Yesterday I was perched on the stool, clutching an apple watching a 19 year old ice skater boy from Canada. I was mesmerized by his energy and how and the crowd was screaming for him and then he didn't land the triple axel and landed on his butt. And I shouted and fell off the stool. He obviously couldn't stop right after that, he knew it was over for him and to make it worse the crowd did a collective groan to show their agony over his mistake. It is just sad to know these people have been working a majority of their lives to get where they are and one slip or mistake can ruin it all for them.

SHAUN WHITE. His snowboarding was amazing, I had to do a fist pump for his performance. He was the last person to go for the second performance and he saw that no matter what he did he would win the gold; his excitement, his happiness in that moment, I hope I do something one day that will make me as happy as that.

Don't Rain on My Parade

I didn't ! I did. I cannot believe I actually said that. Sometimes I wish someone would tell me to just shut up already.

I wouldn't mind.
really.


So history today, the boys told me I was making a mistake. Should I really be taking advice from them? Well they have good judgment... most of the time, and the one that I expected the most out of let me down a bit. Now I just do not know what to think of it.

Chico is repainting the house in green. He told me that magenta was a color for a clown house or a little girl and started shouting at me in Italian. The furniture is pushed to the corner of the room and the house is in a disarray, but I love it. It makes things seem more real when everything is different like this.
Chico's wife is now into Adele, I told her she should listen to music like that while drinking tea. It's unbelievably relaxing.

missing something.

So I am sitting here at the Y and I am watching this guy, Ryan paint and he is amazing. He paints, does chalk drawings, charcoal, you name it, he does it. So why is he here? He is a bit of a loner and was planning on college, but when the subject arises all he ever says is " it just didn't work out." What didn't just work out? I wish I knew someone who I could show his paintings to , so that someone outside of the Y could see how skilled he is. He is good around kids and he obviously wants more than this. He has a kind spirit and deserves better than this . When I see him hunched over a canvas painting the same spot over and over again, striving for perfection, I realize that this is his dream , I just wish there was some way i could help him be happy.
I could be judging and he could already be happy, he says he is fine but his eyes say something completely different.

Grey's Anatomy last night was good, better than it had been in a while. Cristina talked about her past relationship and said that he wanted her to be something she was not. The more he asked the more she gave, he took little pieces of her until she didn't realize that she had changed. When I heard her say those words and I thought of myself and how much I had changed because of him and I honestly had no idea what to think of myself.
Songs that have been with me through the week are Wish You Well - Katie Herzig and Make You Feel My Love -Adele

Just write.

"You guys want to be grown, but enjoy the time you have. Don't wish your life away, it'll be gone and you'll wonder what the hell happened."
" I am like a 50 year old man living inside of an 18 year old's body."
-Tyler Wiseman

When I first met this guy, I honestly didn't expect anything from him but seven months later I realized he has good in him and he keeps the class laughing...or he keeps our corner of the class laughing.

I came into to school this morning with three hours of sleep and I was absolutely miserable but a thank you goes to jakeee for making me smile :)

Yesterday I was upset and the only way I knew I would feel better was if I called him and could not remember when I had allowed myself to be so dependent on someone to make me happy. I have changed, and I am so proud.

my favorite passage of the day is from http://www.mindoverclutter.com/dumpyour.htm :


Dump Your Brain Clutter
by Janet L. Hall

Marcus Aurelius said, "A man's life is what his thoughts make of it." Think about this for a moment..Interesting, isn't it?

As you awake in the morning, your mind races ahead of your body with all kinds of * stuff * pouring in and out. All your thoughts, ideas, chores, and worries that you might have.

No wonder you're tired before your feet even hit the ground. Before you realize it, you're up and running here, running there, going through your morning, unaware of how you even apply the toothpaste on your brush or what body parts you wash first. All the while, stuff is pouring into your head from everywhere, ideas, chores, appointments, commitments, relationships, conversations, past events, the future. This self-talk, we all have it. Random thoughts: worries, fears, negativity, frustration, happiness, joy, freedom, inspiration, and light bulb ideas.

Oh, and the nighttime thoughts that keep you from falling asleep; sleep you so badly need and yearn for. The tossing and turning because you can't seem to shut off the clutter of self-talk that invades your brain, such as the got to do's, forgot to do's, want to do's and could haves, and should haves.

Whatever is bouncing around in your head and heart, let it flow from your pen, dumping your "brain clutter" onto paper. Don't think about what you're writing, don't stop to analyze your words, to plan, to prioritize, if it can be or can't be accomplished, undone, or changed. Just write.

Freak out.

So this past week was so stressful,BUT everything actually ended up going really well. I think I used up all my luck though, I freaked out every day and started to late on way too many things. . I am never procrastinating as much as I did this week ever again.

I am looking forward to: half days. french midterm. weekends in new york. driving myself to go shopping. my summer program in CT! Seeing my brothers again.
not looking forward to: SAT's. AP Tests. Chemistry midterm. Beginning of Tennis Season.
I just watched Ugly Betty and I heard this song The New Pornographers, "Adventures In Solitude" and I loved it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Oh my goodness. I have a french speaking midterm tomorrow, I did not know about it. Yeah when did Madame Scarsella tell us this?
English group project due on Friday---> SO SCREWED.
Chemistry test.
History Test.
Shit. Shit....SHIT.