My brothers just spent the last weekend with their friends and family before leaving. Everyone passed by hugged and talked excitedly. My brothers were saying goodbye and he sat across the room and just staring. I was overwhelmed with how much I was losing all at once and excused myself before anyone could see me cry.
I heard the door open and I turned around and he stood waiting against the wall, " I don't know what to do," I began. " I know," he said. He wrapped his arms around me and I held on because in all my life a hug had never been so fortifying or felt so good.


Pleasure turns to the pain
lessons learned from the strain
questions burned in my brain..
about whether love is humane
in its touch.
these thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream
in the tears of your deceit.
fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos
of our intertwined emotions.
chaotic because the anchor of Error's arrow has been plucked
from the vessel of my undying infatuation
separation not as simple as the distance between us
my mind no longer possessed by demons
that have been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies
the seeds of these lies rooted so deeply
they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared
allowing the faith in us i had sealed inside
to gush out like a river
ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts
as violently and as brutally as if it were a child
being taken from its mothers arms
I'm left surrounded in darkness
but i refuse to be swallowed by it
my loneliness like the night air
invisible to the eye
obvious to the touch
it is cold comfortableness
yet if i could do it all over again
id do it in the same skin I'm in
to lay down and let love die
just stay down and let love lie?
no, no..not i
id stay around and let love fly
even though i have seen its darkest form
deceit
nothing else could taste this warm
or feel this sweet...
(ATL)

this is my winter song to you.

A friend of the family was at the house today. When she saw me she shouted "Rachel! look at how you've grown." I smiled and thought how I heard the same comment everyday. She knocked on my door later and let herself in. She somehow saw herself as the bigger sister that Sasha failed to be. I did not see it that way, at all. Anyways I was sowing and I placed it down and asked her if something was wrong. "Nope," she replied. See I thought that would be the end of the conversation but she stood there so I sighed and said, "Why don't you come in?" She sat on the bed, and got comfortable and I looked out the window and waited for her to speak.

" SO.. I noticed everyone is downstairs and you have been up here all day."
inside my head: oh goodness, this is gonna take a while
"Oh, well I just like quiet time, that's all."
"Well, tell me about yourself. Do you have a boyfriend?"
mmh. no, i dumped him and he hates me and i'm alone, but that isn't what she wants to hear.
"I sure do! He's great."
"Well what about your friends, who do you hang out with from school?"
I hardly have any really. What does that say about me. Why am I by myself?
" I've got some, they're great. Maybe you'll meet them sometime."
"I'm so glad to hear it hon, I was worried about you for a second."
Oh no need to be worried Ms. K , I do the worrying all by myself, bottled up inside. God knows , I wish I knew how to handle it. But you wouldn't want to hear that either.
"Don't be silly, everything is great. I'm fine."

Yeah I'm fine. Just fine.


Yesterday we had to watch some war movie in history, and I couldn't handle it. Every bomb that went off, every mom that broke down when she heard her son was dead, made me think about my pain. And when I couldn't handle it anymore I left class, I ran to the bathroom and saw the tears in my eyes and noticed how i couldn't keep my hands from shaking. I bit my tongue and made myself stop. I looked myself in the mirror and made myself forget again. I went to back to class and studied for chemistry instead. My teacher asked if I was alright, and I smiled and told him I was fine. If anyone had looked in my eyes at the moment they would have realized that I was lying, and I was nowhere near fine.

Dippity Doooo, YAY. kitttttty!!!!!!

Went to Youth Group today at Hope Chapel. I met this girl Kitty, she made me laugh.. a lot. There was dinner- mac & cheeseee yum! Chill session where I met different people. The Yankee Swap was coll and I liked the feel of the atmosphere , there was energy bouncing from every person and people were genuine.

It was nice seeing people outside of school in a different setting, it made you see them in a different light. On the ride home, Kitty ,her brother and I and his friend raided the 'used to be honey farms' in sterling. I had too many energy drinks and discovered that Hershey's chocolate is the best thing since sliced bread. The boys are only freshman but their awesome, and Kitty reminds me of my eccentric older sister.

This was my exciting event of the week. For the rest of the week everything goes downhill, i have to volunteer at an arts and craft fair with children for 5 hours tomorrow. You spend so much time making something and a little child is going to destroy it in 5 seconds, it makes you feel like all your hard work is going to waste.

Anyways I have to start my history homework, jakubs is definitely gonna give a pop quiz tomorrow. Au revoir.

Being vulnerable isn't my thing. I'm .. I suppress things, I don't confront them. suffer from denial if you will. It's pathetic, I try to speak and open my mouth and nothing comes out. I can never talk about the important things. I LET IT OUT for the first time today in months and honestly I don't know what I have done without Alex and this club I just started going to at school. Both of them of have helped me in more ways than on and for that I am grateful.

you have opened my eyes
you have set my soul free
and for this i thank you

love you
appreciate you
and will never let you go

Snow Snow Snow

I have been going to Writing Club, it's been lovely and after three weeks , I finally read without stuttering or getting all red in the face ( not that anybody can see when I get red.)

I must say ,Mr. Farrell is quite the character, I would have loved him as a teacher.

PSAT's came in this week for everyone and mine are still being mailed over since I took them elsewhere but I am not as stressed for some reason. I am enjoying this year more than any other. I love my classes and.. the return of snow! On the bus, I was looking out the window and was reminded of this past winter and the excited feeling that comes with snow.

Last Year's Winter:

♥

Over.

Quite A Eventful Saturday:
1. Went to new york with mon pater and siblings
2. Went to my first concert with my cousins and some old friends I had not seen in years. We cauht up , danced , ate out. It was one of the highlights in my life
3. Had my cousins help me memorize all the ions for the chem quiz on monday
4. Broke up with my longtime boyfriend
5. Visited two universities, which I absolutely loved!
6. Got to play the piano with some amazing musicians and they showed me a different style and it was new and exciting! I went up there in front of the crowd and did improv with the band and my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking but , there is nothing like it . Especially when your done and the crowd goes crazy, I looked back at Mark and he shouted ' it gets better girl, hit me up the next time you're down here.'



It was a good day, it made me excited to graduate highschool and get out into the real world. So many of my friends from the summer program have status updates saying, ' I GOT INTO COLLEGE' and I think , yup, I still have a year to go. Sweet.

Temptation.

You see something(one). You want something(one);but ..it isn't yours to have. You know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyways. Aren't people entitled to be selfish once in a while?

I'll be There

Thanksgiving was amazing. I love my family and some of my friends. I drove down with my dad
and siblings and we stopped in NYC and then went to my aunt's house. Once all of my family arrived the party became rather rambunctious, not going to lie though, I loved every minute of it.
My uncle who is Rastafarian cooked this huge feast then just sat there and did not eat half of it . Honestly, i do not know how he goes through life not eating meat.
After dinner my cousins and I watched the 30th annual celebration of Micheal Jackson from 2003 on the TV and we all flipped.
Our moms went to his concerts when they were younger and have all kept their tickets. Since we were kids his music has always been playing in our homes. While my older cousin was getting down to 'Smooth Criminal' my brother sang 'Billy Jean' and my aunt was basically crying when he started singing 'I'll Be There' (that part was kind of ridiculous.)
Later on my cousin and I found the hottest shoes in my aunts room. She has a room dedicated just to her shoes. They are absolutely divine, I did not even care that they were 3-4 inch heels.
I hung out with Lucien during the day and next weekend we are going to the movies and he wants to see 'New Moon.' Can anybody say EW.

Because I said so

my mother is so... !!!! She just makes me so mad. She came back from the drivers ed meeting tonight and she walks into the house and says,
'the instructor said you can drive with non-family members after six months, but you are not going to until you're 18.'
'Why, that doesn't make any sense, I didn't sign up to sit in a classroom for 30 hours to only drive my annoying siblings around for the next two years. The law, driving instructors who know more about this than you do said 6 months, why would I wait 2 years?'
'Because I said so.'
'You can't do this, why do you always to try ruin everything that I have, you made me quit basketball, you are always checking up on my grades screaming if i get one B and you never have liked my friends. I want to drive, without you dictating to me where or whom I drive.'
She just stopped arguing and said the usual line ' you are so rude.'

Anyways today in drivers ed before we left early he had us watch this video, everybody was silent while watching it.

A Story

Sad is the man who is asked for a story
and can't come up with one.

His five-year-old son waits in his lap.
Not the same story, Baba. A new one.
The man rubs his chin, scratches his ear.

In a room full of books in a world
of stories, he can recall
not one, and soon, he thinks, the boy
will give up on his father.

Already the man lives far ahead, he sees
the day this boy will go. Don't go!
Hear the alligator story! The angel story once more!
You love the spider story. You laugh at the spider.
Let me tell it!

But the boy is packing his shirts,
he is looking for his keys. Are you a god,
the man screams, that I sit mute before you?
Am I a god that I should never disappoint?

But the boy is here. Please, Baba, a story?
It is an emotional rather than logical equation,
an earthly rather than heavenly one,
which posits that a boy's supplications
and a father's love add up to silence.

-- Li-Young Lee

pick a number, any number

QOTD: How would you describe anger? (from ned mctigue)
How would I describe my anger?

-inability to do things

-inability to be successful after working so hard.

- failure to express my feelings to those that need to hear it the most

-the fact no matter how I try to explain myself, some people just do not get it

- the fact that I am sometimes a hypocrite

-the fear of never leaving this place

- the fact that I can't picture my future,I can't picure any of it

- failing.

But I know that through all this uncertainty, one thing is for sure. I'll always have you and no matter where I go and when it is done we will walk where the road meets the sun...
(Katie Herzig and Matthew Perryman Jones)

A Prayer

Met a guy who had the same wide , dimpled smile like my older brother. It made me think of how long it's been since I have seen him, heard from him, thought of him. When someone leaves and it is to painful to think about it, your brain just represses that memory,so things can be easier.
I wrote two cards today, one for him and one for an old friend. My mom came to me the other day and told me that she had cancer. I sat alone at the table and did not say anything , what was I supposed to say? Why are there so many people in my life who have cancer, why are so many people sick or dying? What I am supposed to say to make them feel better, what do I tell myself to make me feel better? There isn't anything and that is what hurts the most, knowing that pain is coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So when I walked into the hospital, I stood there at the foot of the bed and prayed for her life, hoping that she would fight through this.. and win.

let's take a five...

I spent the weekend in New York again, I stayed up all night and for once did not sit up stressing about homework, that next test , or college or any of it. I had .. fun ! It was great. I miss my family from down there and my friends. Lucien took me out with some friends and we ate out and went to the city and just stayed up all night talking, driving, doing whatever we felt like doing. When 6:30 rolled around and the sun came up we all went outside and sat down on the benches huddled together to watch the sunrise. It was beautiful, one of those moments where nobody needs to say anything because everyone is thinking the same thing. I tore my eyes for a moment to stare at him and I smiled and thought 'mine, mine, mine.'

But now I am back home and it is all school, study, volunteer, work, the same thing over and over again. Aie! Two more weeks and new york here I come..

Sans toi.

           I watched the movie, 'Me Without You' today instead of starting my homework. Absolutely loved it, and wondered.. could I imagine myself without you? No... no I don't think I can; it would hurt too much. Couldn't possibly everbe without you and be alright, it just doesn't make sense to me. Right?  I've recently picked up sowing.. I have also checked 'Wuthering Heights' by Emily Bronte out of the library, it seems to be the most depressing book I have ever read and its horribly confusing. I love sowing though, it takes my mind off of the troublesome things in my life.

please. ease. stress. YES! no. I cannot bear, wait yes I can, up down all around , in a jffy. 'Yeah mom? COMINGGGG.'
OMG, guess what?'
'bitch, can't fu..' 'hey, whats up?'
'my head hurts...ooh look he is so fine.'
'RACHEL, FOCUS!'

'Uh Mr. Guinness? Oh um the radius is 5 andthe center is (0,0).

yeah this is my head everyday, random thoughts megan told me today that sometimes i have a really short attention spand. I do, I know it.

why yes i would like fries with that.

Sometimes I get annoyed when people are always saying 'I love my boyfriend,' but when I think of this past weekend it is the only thing I can think of. The old me would have would have been so disgusted that I am stuck on one guy and feel happy and tingly inside but I think that a part of her would have been happy too.

W A N T E D: ?

Family... is such a complicated thing, constantly arguing and in a disarray,it's tiresome. Once in a while, you get to sit down and take a breather, and you think you have a break but you don't. It is a constant effort and I am just so tired. I am studying for my Walden test right now, and going to live alone, ( preferrably not in the woods) sounds really good right about now.

I lied. Julian's song is not as amazing as I thought it was. Depending on my mood, I like and dislike a lot of things, I'm not sure if I have ever known what I've wanted.

La Musique

My sister sat together and played Julian's new single over and over again throughout the day on Sunday. It is called '11th Dimension.' It is not as if the song is unlike something I have never heard before, it is just so different from The Strokes. When I first heard it, I thought , 80's music! But then while Sasha and I were hanging out with some friends in the kitchen, it came on shuffle again and it made me want to groove to the beat, while I cooked the dinner. His voice is beautiful and lingers on each word for the right amount of time and the music is a mixed funky/electronica sound, and it is a risk but it is ah-mazing. There are people, like my sister Malkia, who hate it and listen to 30h!3. They sing the lyrics, 'shush girl, shush your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.' I dislike that song with a passion.

Sasha and I have bought every Strokes CD when they have come out, and when Albert did his own album we bought it also. So, as soon as Julian's is out, we are off to the store. I am going to have the lyrics stuck in my head for a while...

Drop your guard, you don't have to be smart all of the time

I got a mind full of blanks, I need to go somewhere new fast

And don't be shy, oh no, at least deliberately

No one really cares or wanders why anymore

Oh I got music, coming outta my hands and feet and kisses

That is how it once was done

All the dreamers on the run

Belief

This week has had so many twists and turns that I can hardly keep up. I was ready to just
let. it . all . go. Reassurance, coming from the right person is such a powerful thing. God knows I needed it, and I am so thankful. The MCAS results came last night, and when I opened it, I screamed and hugged ma maman. A friend of mine and told me that I should keep on working hard, because good things would come my way and suprisingly, he was right.
This week is Spirit Week! I seem like the type of person who does not have a lot of school spirit, but when I dress up, I go full out and take lots of pictures.
I have becomed accustomed to a life without any television. The one that we had broke three months ago, and since then, it is like we have changed the whole structure of how things are around the house. I still watch shows from time to time on the Internet; the one I usually watch is called, 'Glee.' It had a qoute that made me think a bit: 'Doing this,taught me something; I do not have talk bad about people, to make myself feel better.'
I am not always complaining about something,but if I see something I do not like or I have problem with, I just say it, regardless of whether it's mean or not. Being judgemental, is not something I like about myself, but I am, all the time. I will hear myself saying something, and think ' that was a bit harsh.' As much as I dislike the fact that I do that, I keep silent at times, just so I do not overwhelm people with my personality. I hate always talking, or constantly saying what I am thinking. It is bad of course to not express what I think or feel at all, but I do not want to do it to a point where it is too much and seeing that happen to other people just makes me think, 'what if I was in that situation.'
The week has started out slow, so I had a power clean up and studied for everything I possibly could. Inspired from my boyfriend, the song I have in my head today is... Belief by Gavin Degraw.

sweater of the day.

When I leave my room a take a sweater out of my closet to put on. I have so many of them, color coordinated, lined up in a row. As I was picking one today, I was reminded of Mr. Rogerson from the TV show, 'Mr . Rogerson Neighborhood.' He always had a sweater of the day to put on, as he walked out of his house. I was reminded of my childhood and how I would watch that show all the time and sing along without a care in the world. Afterwards, I was sad because I realized that nothing was really the same anymore.

WOW!

My father met and shook hands with Barack Obama today, in Philadelphia. He just called and told me, and I screamed so loud! I am so excited, he is so excited. This, just totally, made my day.

reduce. re-use. recycle.

Yesterday, I went to the Sterling Fair to volunteer and I absolutely loved it. People young and old, were walking by smiling, just having a good time.

Terry, the man in charge everything, shook my hand for an extra long time when I came and said, ' you live up on that white up house on houghton road don't ya? I didn't look you up or nothin', I just been building a house down the street from there.'
I smiled and told him, ' you bet I do, that house you're building, it's a big one, and an ugly one too, if you ask me.'
He threw his head back and laughed, and slapped the man on the shoulder next to him and said, 'Aren't you a riot? Those people movin' in there a bit.. well you know..' and he turned his head and took his finger and brushed it against the tip of his nose and raised his eyebrow, and it was my turn to laugh. He told e tha the Stering Fair had been going on for 28 years and he loved every minute of it, he just did not know how to get volunteers. I suggested that he ask Principal Beando up at wachusett, to putit on the announcments when the fair comes around, and surely people would sign up. All day, I sold t-shirts, buttons, helped people around the place, and had more fun than I had had, in a real long time.

Some people, when they came up to the t-shirt booth, they were just plain annoying.
'Ma'am,' a lady said to me, ' I was wondering if you could help me out. I have a little situation with my baby here, do you mind if I come inside and change his diaper and breastfeed for a while?' I skinned up my nose so fast, and said slowly..' uh, this is a store, not a bathroom. Don't you have a car?'
She then proceeded to start speaking and then she stoppped, then she would start up again, cock her hip and look at me, expecting me to let her in. This went on for a good ten minutes, before Terry came and told her that maybe the frst aid booth could help her out.

One hour later some woman comes up asking me if I could give her a t-shirt for her son. 'Well, where is your son?' I asked. 'Oh, well you know, he's around.'
'Well, what size is he?'
'Would it be a problem if you just laid out all the t-shirts for me to see?'
There were ten different sizes for the t-shirts, childrens, youth and adult; and if I took them out I would have to fold them al up again. I realized then and there, I could never work in a department store, I did not have the patience for anybodys' nonsense.

I loved the little children that came up and smiled and jumped up and down when I gave them a free frisbee. That is what I loved about the fair, people coming out, supporting eachother, spending time with their families and friends. I took pictures for families, and talked to those who came by themself and found something fun for them to do.

The most peculiar thing I saw of the day was the Go Green band. The Go Green Band, consisted of a woman in her mid 40's dressed up as clown/child entertainer.. and her husband and their son. Everthing they used, was recycled matierial and they sung for the little kids. They were really good and the song that I couldn't help, dancing along to, was their song, 'Reduce! Re-use, Recycle.' I thought it was a nice way to reach out to the parents, and kids; I loved the fact that the Sterling Fair gave them a chance.

procrastination...sucks.

I hate henry david thoreau with a burning passion. I need sleep, unfortunately my summer homework is taking forfuckingever to do.
I'm taking a break and watching weeds, I don't think I can type anymore papers today or draw anymore.

jamaica.

My boyfriend and some friends and I went to Jamaica for a while. I loved it there so much, and somehow the jamaican accent comes out when I am down there. We went to the market and the beach. I would see random tourists everywhere and they would get ripped off, paying so much money for things and laughing at what the rasta man where saying even though they could not understand them.
We went to the country to go see my family and theirs. While I was walking barefoot in the country, I heard the roosters and smelt the ocean and it reminded me of Thoreau's section on sounds in Walden. So I sat down and wrote about what I was hearing and it was actually fun. For some reason, I am enjoying the book, Thoreau is funny at some parts. I opened the book on the airplane to the section SOLITUDE and the first words he said were ' This is a DELICIOUS evening.' I laughed out loud, AP this year should be fun. My flight yesterday was at noon and Lucien and the others at a flight twenty minutes before I did, so we went to the airport together. Montego Bay Airport in Jamaica only has one terminal so even though they were flying to New York, and I to Massachusetts,we were all together until the last minute. We had one of those cute airport moments where you say goodbye and stuff. I have Adam Levine's Sweetest Goodbye song stuck in my head, and its only the part where his voice rises as he says ' show you how I feel..feel...feel.'

perdre.

I went to the guidance office today to get my schedule fixed and my mother would not shut up. She was all, I want her to take this and that. Then she got an attitude with the lady. as if the lady does not have enough crap to deal with. So I said 'Dear God, I can do this mother, thank you.' Now she is all ' I do not have anything to say to you.' Bah, I really cannot stand her sometimes. I watched Memoirs of a Geisha today, for the second time in two years. I was silent afterwards. So many things in the film reminded me of people I know, and how fragile life is. It made me miss Lucien, I did not think I would miss him this much. Someone on their trip was hurt in Jamaica and I got so worried and called his father to make sure nothing happened to him. I never realized how important he is to me till now. Now that I have not heard his voice or seen his face for a long time, I know that he is a part of me. I don't know what I would do, if i ever..

Dream Remembered

* another journal post from english this year.
written 1/26/09

I had a dream about a friend of mine, who is a boy, meeting my parents for the first time. I was in the car, with my parents and I got out of the car and he was there skateboarding with his friends. I spoke to him and everything was great, but then the colors changed and we were in a house. My parents were there, telling me the boy wasn't suitable, that his lifestyle was innapropiate. I was upset, and he saw the fact that they did not accept him, and he began to dissapear, and I was alone, for the second time.

Perspective

But time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath
coldplay.amsterdam.

How many people have difficult situations that have to deal with each and every day. In D.C, we learned about inner conflict and then the pressures from those around us, that we face every single day. We learned about different cultures from the people in the class. Why do we believe in what we believe in? Are our thoughts our own? Our professor made us question everyone and everything. Their actions, their intentions, the outcome of the action. Then he taught us theories that applied to these everyday scenarios, we learned about situations and people in the past who went through the same exact thing. We broadened the subject from the people in our classroom, to everyone in the world; world cultures and conflicts. It was under the category of social sciences and I knew that loved researching up theories and ideas like this, I just did not know how to title it. Now I know what it is, and there is so much to learn, to explore and finally find something that I am really interested in, made me so happy.
This combined with the pyschiatry are my main intrests and I would love to pursue a job in either field. My mother is always telling me, you need to know what you want to do with your life, and now I do. This trip, combined with the one to Kenya in Feburary, definitely put things in perspective.

D.C Program Pictures =)

gone gone gone

DC is amazing. I thought that since I was taking a college course it was going to be so hard, but the discussions that we have in class are so deep and everyone is open about . I am one of the few rising juniors here for the program but age does not even matter here. My professor looks like he walked out a Jane Austen book or Bronte, he fits the description of Mr Darcy but he is pleasant looking. I love him so much, he just adopted a baby from Russia and was not able to make it for the first class so he skyped in, for our first class. Technology today is truly ah-mazingg. What I am about to say makes me seem a bit dense but I hoped to meet some great looking guys down here, I did not, but they are ok.

So many of the people here are rising seniors and megan and I are able to keep up with them and talk on the same level, and recieve those top grades. They told us that we are going to be so smart when we are rising seniors if we can keep up right now and that definitely made us feel better. A girl from back home is at this program with me when we saw eachother we screamed because I felt that even though I did not know her that well, I wasn't alone.


I understand her better now though, our whole group is awesome. Nick from Singapore is a riot oh god he just, he is like the tourette's guy on YouTube but so much funnier. Roddie Lee from Tennessee is awesome and Maya from Indiana, Hannah from NC and Daniel from Chicago. Then their is Matt the polish boy who speaks french too and is from New Jersey. Sam and Charlie the Jew Boys as they call themselves knew each other growing up and they make everyone's day. Then there is Megan and me, we tell stories about our small town and how horrible it is. We both know that if we were back there now we could never have as much fun as we are having now. This, this program is the highlight of my highschool years, people from all over the country who want the same things and we are all moving at the same pace, together. When I go back to school i am going to feel as though I nothing changed, but then I will remember here, and the people I have met and the experiences that I've had and I'll smile just because.

Where do you feel as though you don't fit in?

I was sitting in class today taking notes and decided to flip to the front of the book. I began to read the journal entries that Mr. Balogh had us write daily and I liked these two the most.


Answer: I grew up in New York around people of the same race and cultural background as my own. When I moved here seven years ago, things changed. They spoke differently, wore different clothes and excelled in school. Where I came from, if you were smart, and got good grades, you were called a nerd. If you didn't have fun, or curse out the teacher, you acted "white." What I hated the most was that some expected me to 'act black.' To me that was degrading, they didn't know me or where I came from and to stereotype all black people by what you see over the media is pure ignorance. I did not find the need to prove to anybody who I was but, I never fit in perfectly into one of those circles; whether it was around the people I live around now, or those back home who looked at me like I was an outcast. Neither circles do I belong, so I hold my own and hope for things to change.

Thoughts

After reading Walden for 2 hours yesterday, I decided to take a break and picked Notting Hill to watch. Towards the end of the film Julia Roberts walks in to the travel bookshop and says that oh so famous line : 'I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her. '

I paused the movie and thought, seriously? That is where this line is from, Notting Hill? Anyways I never found this qoute all that amazing, it just seemed to lack something. I typed in the qoute on Google and this British gossip website had voted it into the top ten worst qoutes from movies from whatever year it had come out. The British can be quite brutal sometimes, Hugh Grant though he is one British boy I love. He is witty and ridiculous, and his floppy hair and accent kind of make me swoon. He is a bit more handsome than James Macavoy I now realize who looks like he got his nose broken too many a times.

I packed for D.C and am kind of excited for the program. I finally finished shopping today, bought 10 books at Barnes & Nobles and some clothes at the mall. When I came out the store with all the books in my hand my sister told me I liked to waste money and said I spent too much time reading. I walked up the stairs to see Malkia sneaking out of my room with three of my books. This wouldn't annoy me if when she returned them, they were in the same condition and she put it back on shelf in the right place, but this never happens.

music music music

fix you by Coldplay came on and everytime I hear this song, I imagine myself saying and doing everything I was scared to do before. Winning that cross country race, telling the one guy that used to matter so much I felt, not turning my back on Lucien. As the chords rise and the words come, my heart fills with hope of what could have been. I wish myself back into the past:
'tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace, tears stream down your face, and I.."
When the last chords come around, and martin's voice quiets, i calm down down, I open my eyes, and remind myself what's done is done and forget about it for the time being.

hi. i miss you.

Today is the supposed sweet sixteen. I was supposed to go away with Lucien and friends for the weekend in New York, but my parents did not let me go. I would not have been upset if they wanted me stay so I could have a family day with them. What I did today was not even remotely close to fun. I woke up and it felt like any other day.

I woke up, went to the RMV in Leo's minster(i always say it like that , i dont know why.) It was 8:50 the place did not open for another ten minutes, yet there was 30 people in line already. I sat on the sidewalk, slapped on my shades, and opened Walden and began my dreaded summer reading. I lost concetration after the first page and stood against the light pole and put in my earphones.
I thought about this past year in school and how completely different it was from the one before it. When I think back to the first year, I get so mad at myself. I can't figure out how I was so stupid and screwed up my freshman year over .. well things that are not important anymore. I always always think about things before I do them when it comes to things like this. Yet, I just, saw it went for it and had no idea what I was doing. I promised myself to never to do it again, to apologize , make peace, change and I tried and I feel as if I was somewhat successful.
It is one of those things that I do not expect to happen to me again. When you like someone but you don't realize it how much, when all you used to do was think about them and smile and you heard yourself talking about them all the time and you could not stop. Even though you knew people would get annoyed because it was the only thing you could talk about. I cringe when I think about it, but this year I was laid back , did better in school, made more friends and actually got somewhere.
I applied for a summer program and I am off to D.C on the 12th. I am not excited, I never am about huge things like this. For other people, they would flip, and think it was the chance of a lifetime but situations like this do not make me happy. Simple things make me happy, like, Lucien. He makes me happy, when he calls at anytime to just hello, or tell me some random thing that was on his mind no matter how unimportant it is. I like the little things, like how he knew I would want a gift certificate to a book store than to go out to a fancy restaurant. Even though I had the worst birthday ever, his words when he rang the phone five minutes ago just made me smile. I sat reading on the steps and watched the phone ring for a few seconds before I picked it up. "hola,te echo de menos rachel,"he says. I smiled, looped the braid in my hair around my finger and said ' i miss you too.'

Stay With Me

It has been running through my head, the different ways that he would say it to me. I wondered what my reaction would be, would i scream, jump up and down, or even respond.
But it wasn't any of those, a couple of minutes after we had hung up the phone, he called right back and said: 'Rachel.. i think i love you.'
Never in my life had my heart been so calm, i closed my eyes, lifted my head up to the sky, feeling at peace with all around me.
In that moment, i let all my problems fall away and responded 'well that's a good thing, because I love you too.' The silence that followed i knew was a good one, i heard him take a deep breath and we both thought,
finally.

This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

I'm in love, and I wish someone would save me before I crash and burn.

Here and Now.

From my mind, sprout the wonders of my world
the eyes on his face, his shoulder against my back

a first step into the sanctuary,
I grasp a hand take a step, stop, think!
where do I go?
Forget that, I'm overthinking, deep breath I am almost there. A few more steps and welcome to the new world madame.

Pain does not come for a while, laughter, studio art, music fills my spirit, my being. I move with the paintbrush, laugh, smile look out the window at the sun and know these are the moments I will remember for a lifetime. Adele's voice comes through the speakers with such emotion ' from my hometown, memories are fresh, from my hometown oh the people that i've met. These are the wonders of my world, wonders of my world.'
We paint continuing to listen, the music bringing us closer together and still lost in our own thoughts, sadness breaks over as the chords of the piano roll over, what will ever do after this. Go on, here are the wonders of my world, I love them , have to keep going, once I stop I will not be able to start up again.

Back to the beginning or forward?

This weekend, it was great. It was his birthday and I had no idea what to get him, I had known him for more than half my life and I had no idea what to get him for his birthday.
We went out though, alone at last! It was bliss, to actually talk and feel with him and not be connected by the telephone but by our fingers, intertwined, and we had those moments where both of us thought 'this is how it is supposed to be.'
While walking with him I had an epiphany, ' he completes me.' It was not a realization that made me giddy or jump up and down because it had been building up for years and although I am extremely stubborn, I will not and cannot deny the fact of what he is to me. I held onto to him while I had him making each moment last, he loves the fact that I am independent but wants me to be in a relationship with him. The words are hanging in the air over us but he is doing this, having this "thing" so I can be happy. I however and making changes of my own, doing some of things he asked, telling him when I am upset instead of ignoring him. Talking to him about important situations instead of brushing them off and acting like I am fine. Even though I never did it before, I am letting him know in my own way that I need him just as much as he needs me.

Decisons, Precision and persimmons...

Decision making has never been my forte , at the least the decisions that matter. For example I was invited to the capital for a summer intership at the American International University , am I avoiding filling out the application ? Why yes I am , for what reason, I do not know.

I should also learn how to control my temper, Lucien said something to me and i became so upset that when I got back into the car i just threw the ring out of the window that he gave me. Now that I think it over I could have sold the ring and gotten so much money for it . He always gets me upset because I think everything he says hits so close to home. Precision.

The persimmons peom by Li Young Lee that i read years back came to me the other day. My mother bought some persimmons at the store, when i held them i remembered how he described how much they weighed and how it felt in his palm. 'ripe, plump' They were sweet, but not the gross type .. the good kind

Re-do

I met someone the other night..
He was beautiful and his dancing was amazing, and it was the same place i got involved with him exactly one year before. God knows I don't want to make the same mistakes, I know i shouldn't dwell on it. He's different though, he was softspoken and has a nice personality, and when I see him I want to smile , I came home and I wanted to do a happy dance around my room. Instead I lied in bed and looked at the moon outside my window, it was beautiful and hoped he was looking too, hoped he was thinking the same thing I was.

World splatter

Translations.... I've been thinking in French lately.

What I want.. is to see you in all your shining grace full of colors and smiles and hopes to fulfill me, for those nights to come when I know you wont be there
what I want..
what I want.. well , what I wanted never really mattered in the first place or did it?

D O N' T

Don't go
Don't leave me
Don't hold me down
let me be
don't love me
don't support me
I am own , let me be
don't talk to me
Don't smile at me
You don't understand
let me be
Don't look at me like that
I'm not what you want
I never can be
Let me be

Stay here with me tonight
Hold me close
Tomorrow we'll pretend...
that it never happened
and I'll want you to leave
even when my heart's begging for you not to
Don't stay here
don't hold me back
Don't tell me that you want me
or that you care
Leave... take my heart
it belongs to you

Take it, and let me be.